Cavities: The Silent Threat
Volition, Inc. (NASDAQ:CRAP) announced Wednesday that it would be developing a toothpaste based on its quasi-professional line of space combat sims. The toothpaste, produced in cooperation with a generic foodstuffs corporation, will be on store shelves soon. "We here at Volition all agreed that the awful nebula effect in the original Freespace was really the best thing about the game... so the tie-in was obvious!"
Freespace brand Toothpaste is priced and styled similar to popular brands such as Crest, though it tastes worse, provides less cleaning power and completely lacks any semblance of a story. Still, company officials believe that it will appeal to large demographics, including both stupid fanboys and very stupid fanboys. Added Freespace creator Mike Kulas, "Did we tell you about how big the capital ships are?"
Some in the toothpaste industry, however, are worried - fearing that, as the brand did with the space sim genre, the poor quality of Freespace toothpaste may simply cause people to stop brushing their teeth altogether. Kulas was unconcerned, replying that "seriously, the ships are big. B-I-G big."
Tentative plans call for the addition development of a 'Freespace 2' line of hygiene products, which will be even more derivative and wildly unsuccessful than this initial offering. The current business model calls for Freespace-brand toothpaste to be distributed in two ways: 'regular' toothpaste will be thrown out of speeding cars at bums and hobos, while a 'special edition' will sell for upwards of $50 years after its printed expiration date.
Electronic Arts Announces Periodic Relocation
In a move which many claim is "long overdue", Electronic Arts has announced that in order to save space all employees will be shifted four elements up on the periodic table. At press time, EA's workforce is primarily carbon-based. All current employees will be given the option of either conversion to a Helium-based matrix or recieving a small severance package.
Electronic Arts recently relocated all of their subsidary companies to a tiny farm house in Redwood City, CA. This subsequent atomic reshuffling will save money, space and, claims PR representative Correy Pennington, have some unique positive side effects. "Plenty of Helium means plenty of balloons! And balloons mean *fun* -- just like our games!"
The following chart explains the dynamics of EA's plan:
The move will not affect EA executives or stockholders, whose super-dense brains make them immune to both physical science and common sense.
FreeLancer 2 to Feature No Controls Whatsoever
In a surprise move last night, Microsoft issued the following statement: "We want to let the gaming public know that we have heard their pleas. Response to the original FreeLancer was overwhelming - and as we gauged fan reaction, we found that the single underlying issue was with the mouse based interface. Therefore, we are pleased to announce that FreeLancer 2 will feature absolutely no control mechanism of any kind."
The original FreeLancer was developed without any provision for a flight stick mode, in the hopes of appealing to a gaming public that by and large regards such hardware as the domain of only 'hard core' flight sim players. FreeLancer 2's take is even more daring - but if succesful, it could cater to the huge percent of the buying public which no longer has a joystick, mouse or keyboard.
Pictured below is an artists rendering of what a computer optimized for the new FreeLancer title will look like:
Industry watchdog groups agree that an entirely non-interactive game is a unusual risk - but, as one insider pointed out, it can't suck any harder than those Freespace games.
Continuing with our tradition of helping to promote Wing Commander-related auctions by Origin employees, we are proud to announce that Mike "Boomer" McCoy is selling a very special piece of memorabelia:
This diamond encrusted manta ray was comissioned by Boomer himself to promote Wing Commander: Prophecy at the 1997 E3 and CES trade shows. Valued at approximately $28,000 each, only seven hundred were made - all but one of which were distributed to journalists and store managers. Prophecy featured alien 'Manta-class' fighters designed by noted Sci Fi visionary Syd Mead -- so the tie-in is obvious. As thanks for posting this auction, Boomer has promised to give away the ending of Secret Ops again. (Current Bid: $5, 1 Day Left)