Stacey Urklow reports from a nearby bar. Chaos has erupted on Anhur during the qualifying heats for next year's Mr. Fatman competition. The heats had progressed to the final elimination round, which calls for ten 50kg pork pies and a tonne of lard, when an armed deputation from the local Girthwatchers group arrived, demanding the competition should cease. The leading competitor, Gutmeister Larsen, responded by lifting up his t-shirt and wobbling his belly at the incensed fitness fascists. This provocation was met with a hail of gunfire, in which many dedicated competitors were killed and wounded, though they retaliated by sitting on some of their assailants. The conflict continues, and Firearms are much in demand.