EPISODE 3 Discussion
- Thread starter Darkmage
- Start date
LeHah
212 Squadron - "The Old Man's Eyes And Ears"
TIRex said:
Vader's hate sustained him until Palpatine and the medical crew arrived.
TIRex said:
What Anakin did was a 'crime of passion'. He was so wrapped up in the moment - in the confrontation with his wife - that her harming him had to be retaliated. It wasn't like he was thinking "BITCH, YOU GOTTA DIE" or something.
In Empire Strikes Back one of Vader's officers tells Vader that "a starship approaches, X-Wing class," or something of the sort. I could check the book upstairs if you wish, but it is an older version that my father had.
I wouldn't think so, the Force has a strong influence on the weak minded so I doubt a Jedi could fall under a mind trick, unless the Sith mind trick is stronger.
1. How could it come up that Palpatine kill Padme? The idea is that I picked up was that she died because of her broken heart, "she lost all will to live" after she had seen what Anakin had become.
2. Palpatine also foresaw that the rebel fleet would be destroyed as well as the Rebel forces on Endor's moon. If somehow he did kill her he probably saw it as a chance to gain another Sith apprentice.
.I hope this thread isn't too old to be responding to but I just saw Episode 3 for my first time today and I thought I'd comment on my impressions of it.
First of all, like most people say, I do think it was the best of the first three episodes. The thing I thought was best done about it was Anakin's turn to the dark side. It wasn't too contrived like I thought it might be. I thought it was well paced and convincing enough. Second, I don't know if it was just the nostalgia of seeing signs of what you saw in episode 4 begin to surface, but some parts I got really emotional over. I actually thought the part where Palpatine rescues Anakin from that lava planet was pretty gut wrenching. He really seemed to care about him as a person and not just because of Anakin's power. Very well done there as well as the development of many other relationships between the characters. With the exception of course of Anakin and Padme. It really made me squirm in my chair to watch those two interact and pretend to be in love. I really never felt like those two actors had any chemistry on screen and the harder they tried just the more awkward it felt.
Some parts I didn't like and maybe it was just because I didn't understand them. So maybe someone could clarify things for me. How come in the beginning of the movie Anakin and Obi Wan get set up to rescue Palpatine from that ship? Cause if it was just to hope that Anakin should arrive and rescue him and exact his revene upon Dooku and be more seduced by the dark side, then that just seems like a pretty huge risk to take. Cause when you think abou it, Palpatine, Anakin, and Obi Wan barely make it out of there alive. Just like when the elevator was about to smash them and they barely escape. Why would Palpatine risk his and Anakin's life for the sake of trying to turn Anakin to the dark side? Cause if that was his elaborate scheme, it seems like too many things could've easily gone wrong.
And Palpatine seemed to do a good enough job tempting Anakin just by telling him later about the dark side. So I just didn't get that whole part and I hope someone can explain that to me.
Another thing that bothered me was how after Mace almost killed Palpatine and he's all "pruny" looking. There is that part where he addresses the Senate and tells everyone how he's going to get rid of the Republic and start a new Empire. How come seemingly everyone in the whole room applauds that? Cause he looked pretty evil and scary the way he was shaking his fists in the air boasting about a new Empire you would think some of these representatives of their homeworlds might look around and be like, "This is kind of weird..." So I just didn't get why every single alien there unanimously agree with his dictatoresque speech.
I also just don't get why the trade federation keep allying themselves with Palpatine when they seem to get screwed by him over and over. Or why they keep building their crappy droid army that is always easily defeated.
Some other notable scenes in the movie that I particularly enjoyed was when the clone army started exterminating the Jedi. I was also glad they didn't soften Anakin up when he had the choice to kill those "younglings". I was just glad Lucas didn't hold back when it came to him turning to the dark side. R2D2 peeing on those battle droids and setting them on fire was pretty nice. I also really liked the look of those aliens (I don't remember what they were called or what planet it was) that had the smooth bald heads and were green. They kind of reminded me of the Remens from Star Trek: Nemesis.
Overall I really enjoyed the movie and was glad I got to see it while it was still in theaters. And I really wonder what's next for Star Wars.
First of all, like most people say, I do think it was the best of the first three episodes. The thing I thought was best done about it was Anakin's turn to the dark side. It wasn't too contrived like I thought it might be. I thought it was well paced and convincing enough. Second, I don't know if it was just the nostalgia of seeing signs of what you saw in episode 4 begin to surface, but some parts I got really emotional over. I actually thought the part where Palpatine rescues Anakin from that lava planet was pretty gut wrenching. He really seemed to care about him as a person and not just because of Anakin's power. Very well done there as well as the development of many other relationships between the characters. With the exception of course of Anakin and Padme. It really made me squirm in my chair to watch those two interact and pretend to be in love. I really never felt like those two actors had any chemistry on screen and the harder they tried just the more awkward it felt.
Some parts I didn't like and maybe it was just because I didn't understand them. So maybe someone could clarify things for me. How come in the beginning of the movie Anakin and Obi Wan get set up to rescue Palpatine from that ship? Cause if it was just to hope that Anakin should arrive and rescue him and exact his revene upon Dooku and be more seduced by the dark side, then that just seems like a pretty huge risk to take. Cause when you think abou it, Palpatine, Anakin, and Obi Wan barely make it out of there alive. Just like when the elevator was about to smash them and they barely escape. Why would Palpatine risk his and Anakin's life for the sake of trying to turn Anakin to the dark side? Cause if that was his elaborate scheme, it seems like too many things could've easily gone wrong.
And Palpatine seemed to do a good enough job tempting Anakin just by telling him later about the dark side. So I just didn't get that whole part and I hope someone can explain that to me.
Another thing that bothered me was how after Mace almost killed Palpatine and he's all "pruny" looking. There is that part where he addresses the Senate and tells everyone how he's going to get rid of the Republic and start a new Empire. How come seemingly everyone in the whole room applauds that? Cause he looked pretty evil and scary the way he was shaking his fists in the air boasting about a new Empire you would think some of these representatives of their homeworlds might look around and be like, "This is kind of weird..." So I just didn't get why every single alien there unanimously agree with his dictatoresque speech.
I also just don't get why the trade federation keep allying themselves with Palpatine when they seem to get screwed by him over and over. Or why they keep building their crappy droid army that is always easily defeated.
Some other notable scenes in the movie that I particularly enjoyed was when the clone army started exterminating the Jedi. I was also glad they didn't soften Anakin up when he had the choice to kill those "younglings". I was just glad Lucas didn't hold back when it came to him turning to the dark side. R2D2 peeing on those battle droids and setting them on fire was pretty nice. I also really liked the look of those aliens (I don't remember what they were called or what planet it was) that had the smooth bald heads and were green. They kind of reminded me of the Remens from Star Trek: Nemesis.
Overall I really enjoyed the movie and was glad I got to see it while it was still in theaters. And I really wonder what's next for Star Wars.
LeHah
212 Squadron - "The Old Man's Eyes And Ears"
Shipgate said:
If you go by the movie novelization, Obi-Wan and Anakin are known through out the galaxy as the "poster children" for the Jedi Order. When something needs to be done right, the Council or the Republic calls them in to do it.
Shipgate said:
Palpatine was given the gift of foresight when he became a Force user. He knew what was going to happen to a certain extent.
Shipgate said:
Don't forget that they didn't make the (silly) connection that Palpatine was Darth Sidious. The Trade Federation never really got screwed out of much besides maybe some droid batallions and a couple of ships though. Think of it this way - they tried to blockade a planet's trade route illegally and got out of going to prison?
STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED
SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell out
obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck Natalie
Portman. That's insanity. Did you
see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from
dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the msot
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently. Despite
this, IAN refuses to stop doing it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save Natalie real
quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
EXT. UTAPAU
SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera
chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer
generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN
MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting
who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue
SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they
deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is
on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It's like
a life support system being in a box
on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of
brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the
sort of thing that should have been
in the last film. Oh well, at least
there were scenes of me rolling
around in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN
MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to
fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget
that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a
comfortable chair overlooking all of
the destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for
a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face
pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN
fights him and eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher
Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and
introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are
CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC
SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to
my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX
WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell out
obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get
his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an
OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further
failing to illustrate how
intimidating my character is meant
to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE.
There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE
PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll
actually be showing. Really.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You know, I love you with all the
love one can love a lover with.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow, that almost tops your 'wish'
line from the last movie. Tell me
again on the balcony while I brush
my hair and look vaguely hideous.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving
birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a
single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has
passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a
while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN
MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie
dying. Also, you're confused about
being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fuck Natalie
Portman. That's insanity. Did you
see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace
the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they
can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying
that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from
dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force
chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll
not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING
JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the msot
well-acted scene between us is the
one in which we are in separate
buildings and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative motherfucker.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's fuckin' dangerous to have
a racecar in the fuckin' red. It
could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
motherfucker, motherfucker! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently. Despite
this, IAN refuses to stop doing it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Must... bridge... gap... to...
original... trilogy...
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling me how to save Natalie real
quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I'm killing this geezer
now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
EXT. UTAPAU
IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.
IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.
CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.
They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
of course.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.
KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me!
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT
EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and
apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Bah, the Jedi are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to Natalie
despite the fact that we live
together, which Ian figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
Sith. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Christopher Lee because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Jedi survived this long.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Maul did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Motherfucker!
EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.
IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.
JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
have delivered the twins, that would
be more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
doesn't.
YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Vader
killed his father.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
YODA
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
END
----
http://hedonistica.com/text/starwars_abridged.php
Hilarious stuff and really brings up the worst out of the movie, eventhough it was the best of the new trilogy.
TROOPERS.
IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.
CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.
IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.
CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.
They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.
CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
of course.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.
EXT. MYGEETO
Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.
KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot by fewer
weapons than at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, this overpowers
me!
(dies)
CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy,
including the BLUE HOTTIE. Despite their supernatural senses
and a lifetime of training in battle skills, they all
succumb to the TROOPERS. Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to
MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is
not one of them.
INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT
EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and
apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.
EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.
EXT. MUSTAFAR
NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!
He chokes her.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! What the hell, your whole
reason for turning was to save her.
That was completely stupid.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Bah, the Jedi are stupider! They
didn't know I was married to Natalie
despite the fact that we live
together, which Ian figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
Sith. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Christopher Lee because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Jedi survived this long.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!
They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. I've got the high
ground, just like Darth Maul did in
Episode 1 right before I killed him
successfully. Ignoring that, if you
jump over to me, I will cut your
shit off.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!
He JUMPS and gets his SHIT cut RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Then he
is COMPLETELY BURNED.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Motherfucker!
EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.
He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.
IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.
They DO.
INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM
A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.
JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
have delivered the twins, that would
be more dramatic.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?
MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?
NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.
INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER
YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.
JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?
EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
doesn't.
YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Vader
killed his father.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?
YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.
YODA
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.
INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.
IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.
IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?
DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
END
----
http://hedonistica.com/text/starwars_abridged.php
Hilarious stuff and really brings up the worst out of the movie, eventhough it was the best of the new trilogy.
cff
Kilk'dymga'qith laq Ik'vikvi
Shipgate said:
Really? IHMO all that luring and hints towards the dark side were done quite well, but the turning itself was as cheap as it could be.
Shipgate said:
Palpatine could see the future to a certain degree so he probably knew. Also he maybe needed a test if Anakin would obey him as master.
Shipgate said:
If you look at human history people were often enough quite eager to willingly give up a democracy in order to follow some dictator. The scene wasn't any more weird then people applauding Hitler before World War 2.
But weren't people applauding Hitler because they were starving and their pride was hurt and they were willing to accept anyone who would get them back to the top?
In the Republic, it seemed all those different aliens were for the most part doing pretty well for themselves. So it seems to me like some could afford to disagree with the Chancellor just a bit and not all of them cheer. Like the State of the Union address. How when the president says stuff, some people stand up and applaud, others simply do not.
And I would think with how revered and respected the Jedi were that not everyone would immediately believe that a Jedi made an attempt on the Chancellors life. It seems that most people would be willing to follow a Jedi than a politician.
In the Republic, it seemed all those different aliens were for the most part doing pretty well for themselves. So it seems to me like some could afford to disagree with the Chancellor just a bit and not all of them cheer. Like the State of the Union address. How when the president says stuff, some people stand up and applaud, others simply do not.
And I would think with how revered and respected the Jedi were that not everyone would immediately believe that a Jedi made an attempt on the Chancellors life. It seems that most people would be willing to follow a Jedi than a politician.
Delance
Victory, you say?
The Senators didn't have much of a choice, given the Jedi Order was pretty much over by the time of that speech.
The odd thing is how the Clone Troopers apparently were aware of the order to kill the Jedi, and the Jedi could not figure this out. It should be easy for the emperor to keep a secret, but not to all those clones.
The odd thing is how the Clone Troopers apparently were aware of the order to kill the Jedi, and the Jedi could not figure this out. It should be easy for the emperor to keep a secret, but not to all those clones.