Mongol General: We have won again. That is good! But what is best in life?
Mongol General: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair!
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!
Mongol General: That is good.
From the Scottish Library Wars, (it was a homemovie some friends of mine made)
Soldier: "Sir? What do we do we're losing!"
"Don't worry we can still win this, all we have to do is- you got something in your neck."
"Oh, what this, oh it's nothing watch. *pulls out the sword, and falls to the ground dead*"
Melissa: Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!
Mrs. Finkle: If he had held the ball laces out like he's supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell!
Ace Ventura: I have a package for you, sir.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though!
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura, now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and become insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 40 pounds... PORKIN' his wife!
[Ace Ventura just got his car started]
Ace Ventura: It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE!
Ace Ventura: I just visited Ray Finkle's place.
Ace Ventura: Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
[Ace sucks in a huge breath of air.]
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Cauler high June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA division 1 records one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," The first and only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No Sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan, This is my Graceland.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone!
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
[Ventura knocks on the door]
Woodstock: What's the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
Ace Ventura: Yes!
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah. What's all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: Fiber.
Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura: I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor.
[Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head.]
Ace Ventura: [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want!
Dan Marino: No, no kill him!
Ace Ventura: No kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy!
[Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air.]
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP!!!
Ace Ventura: [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 29.6, rounded off to the ....nearest decimal point. We've...traveled back in time to save an ancient species from....total annihilation. SO FAR...no...signs of aquatic life anywhere, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've.....GOT TO, MISTER!
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons!
Ace Ventura: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew...now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday!
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura: She gets flooded, we'll just have to wait a second.
[suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball bat]
Ace Ventura: Or we could try it now.
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls:
Ace: There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, were you saying something?
Ace: What did he just say?
Fulton Greenwall: He said that she is not a virgin.
Ace: They can tell that?
Ace: Die you bewinged spawn of Satan!
Fulton Greenwall: Bumbawe Atuna.... Bumbawe Atuna...
Ace: Bumblebee tuna! Bumblebee tuna! Excuse me ... Your balls are showing...
Ace: Bumblebee tuna!
Ace: OK all looks good, you know, you never really know until you check things out yourself.
Fulton Greenwall: Well aren't you going to go investigate?
Ace: ITS DARK IN THERE ...I MIGHT FALL INTO A PRECIPICE!
Ouda: Here you go
[hands him torch]
Ace: [gives look] Spank you, Helpy Helperton....
Ace: Can you feel it, Captain Compost?!
Ace: Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy!
Ace: Thanks for the free parking!
Ace: Isn't this incredible? It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
Ace: If you were me then I'd be you and I'd use your body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!
"Hey, chief, isn't that the trailer those two were wacking off in?"
"Scott! You're a federal employee! NEVER finish a sentance with a preposition!"
"Uh... isn't that the trailer... in which they were off wacking... sir?"