Super Neon I, Robot
(for Lisa, who's lucky she was sick)
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SCENE 1:
TITLE CARD: "20th Century Fox Presents"
TITLE CARD: "Will Smith in"
TITLE CARD: "I, ROBOT"
TITLE CARD: "A movie with the same name as a novel."
WILL SMITH: I love all my 20th century technology, like these 20th century shoes - sponsored by Reeboks! And this 20th century CD player! Yup, my house is a veritable mess of average items. Average, completely unremarkable iteams. Please note that. Unless...
(Will Smith opens the door to reveal...)
WILL SMITH: ... It's really the *21st* century and the real world is full of robots!
(Robots walk around)
WILL SMITH: Man, I'm prejudiced and racist against robots. I think I'll wander around and accuse them of crimes for a bit.
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SCENE 2 - US ROBOTS COMPANY, EXPOSITION ROOM
GUY WHO INVENTED ROBOTS: I can't believe the giant computer I invented has turned evil. I'd tell someone, but it's keeping me locked in this building. This giant building with hundreds of other robot scientists and robots, and also a room full of nanobots that I regularly use in my robotics work but which also can be used to easily kill the giant computer that I invented that has turned evil. I guess the only person I can trust is the worlds strongest robot who I've specifically invented to kill the giant computer that I invented that has turned evil.
SONNY: That's me! I'm a robot... but I can also dream! And kill people. For some reason.
GUY WHO INVENTED ROBOTS: Well, with only a giant robot factory and the worlds strongest robot at my disposal, I'll need to figure out a clever plan to warn Will Smith, a detective who hates robots who I met once, about how the giant computer I invented that has turned evil. I guess I could call him... or... wait! I could program Sonny to dream obscure clues regarding the fact that the giant computer I invented has turned evil! And then... I'll record a hologram of myself making other vauge references to this fact... and then I'll have Sonny kill me, forcing Will Smith to detectivate my death!
SONNY: This is great - because dreaming and killing people are the two unusual things you programmed me to do!
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SCENE 3 - US ROBOTICS MODEM COMPANY
WILL SMITH: So this guy killed himself?
BILL GATES: Yup. He recorded a hologram for you.
WILL SMITH: And that isn't at all strange?
BILL GATES: Nope, happens all the time in the future.
WILL SMITH: Oh, okay. Well, I'll go home... unless... you assign me an icy female partner to help investigate the crime you don't want me to investigate!
BILL GATES: Sounds fair.
DR. CALVIN: First, let me rattle off the three laws for no reason.
WILL SMITH: Allright.
DR. CALVIN: He left only two clues - this copy of Hansel and Gretel...
WILL SMITH: Because Hansel and Gretel left bread crumbs... or *clues*! But why would a *detective* search for *clues*? [Ed: Hah-hah, no, seriously, it actually took Will Smith two hours and a dozen references to figure out that 'bread crumbs' meant he should be looking for clues.]
DR. CALVIN: ... and this killer robot that he programed to know the truth.
WILL SMITH: Even though I hate robots, I hope it'll tell us the truth.
(SONNY runs away for absolutely no reason.)
WILL SMITH: Chase!
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SCENE 4 - POLICE HEADQUARTERS
TITLE CARD: "One exciting chase sequence later."
WILL SMITH: Tell me one thing, Sonny... why did you kill your creator?
SONNY: I didn't! Well, okay, it was beca...
BILL GATES: You're just prejudiced against robots! You're an anti-robot racist! This interrogation must stop before you learn the interesting fact that Sonny is prepared to reveal to you right now that would have solved all the problems in the movie and that it will eventually turn out that I have no involvement with anyway!
WILL SMITH: Yeah, okay. I guess I'll go investigate GUY WHO INVENTED ROBOTS's house.
BILL GATES: The very same house that a giant construction robot has been programmed to destroy! Because when someone dies under mysterious circumstances, a robot is dispatched to destroy their house, posessions and pets as a matter of course. [Ed: Really.]
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SCENE 5 - DR. ROBOT'S HOUSE
WILL SMITH: Score, free cat!
CONSTRUCTION ROBOT: *SMASH*
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SCENE 6 - DR. CALVIN'S HOUSE
WILL SMITH: A robot tried to kill me! All because I was in the house it was programmed to blow up!
DR. CALVIN: Great, why are you here?
WILL SMITH: From now on, we need to ride a wicked motorcycle instead of a futuristic car. Because robots are plotting against us.
DR. CALVIN: That's reasonable.
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SCENE 7 - THE WORLD
{Robots start taking over the world)
WILL SMITH: One man *did* see it coming! Robots are evil and are taking over the world!
DR. CALVIN: I guess I owe you a coke.
WILL SMITH: 20th century coke, none of that futuristic C2 crap.
DR. CALVIN: Because you hate the future. And yet... HAVE A ROBOT ARM!
WILL SMITH: No! My pointless secret revealed!
DR. CALVIN: Now, we have to sneak into the robot lab to release the nanobots because that will turn all the robots good again.
WILL SMITH: Makes sense.
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SCENE 8 - ROBOT LAB
(WILL SMITH fights some robots and releases some nanobots.)
WILL SMITH: Well, robots are good again.
DR. CALVIN: I'm thinking of having another meeting... in bed!
WILL SMITH: So, Sonny, you did murder the guy afterall?
SONNY: Yes. Am I under arrest?
WILL SMITH: No, we coo'.
Some FIGHTER JETS fly across the sky as robots are rounded up.
DR. CALVIN: I wonder why fighter jets didn't help us earlier when robots were taking over the world. You'd think that them showing up for no reason at this point really just reinforces the fact that they weren't here earlier.
WILL SMITH: How many laws did you say there were?
DR. CALVIN: Nevermind.
LOUDSPEAKER: All robots, stop roboting.
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SCENE 9 - ROBOT CAMP
(All of the robots are locked up in a pile of shipping crate houses.)
SONNY: I guess the moral of this story is that if you have an irrational hatred of people who are different from you, it's ultimately justified and you should lock them all up in a special camp.
ROLL CREDITS
. I'd love a movie about one of these two series 
