Chapter XIII - Homeward
- Thread starter Quarto
- Start date
Dralthi5 said:Joey, I don't even care what Book 2's gonna be called anymore.
Yeah, Will there ever be a Book 2 and how soon?
Q: Do you happen to have a roster of ships from either side that participated in the Deneb Sector campaign? (Sixth Battle Fleet vs Thrak's x Fleet/ Armada?)
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Quarto
Unknown Enemy
No, there won't be! I'll never write another WC story again! Ahahahaha!
What do you reckon?
Of course there will be a Book 2. But these things take time, Lieutenant.
And no, I don't have a roster for either the Sixth (Confed) Battle Fleet or for the Kilrathi attackers. What we do know, though, is that the Kilrathi struck so fast, and so hard, that they reached Deneb Sector HQ within just six hours.
What do you reckon?
And no, I don't have a roster for either the Sixth (Confed) Battle Fleet or for the Kilrathi attackers. What we do know, though, is that the Kilrathi struck so fast, and so hard, that they reached Deneb Sector HQ within just six hours.
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Matrix
Rear Admiral
Well it's been a while, but here are my comments - finally.
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>>XIII. Homeward.< - Odd sort of title I must say since I'm quite sure Weaver knows just where home is...yet.
<LI>>With friends like this, he would always be safe!< - Only his friends can't land for him.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>But nothing else looked – or felt – broken either. The only pain he felt was in his shoulders, and they didn’t seem to be broken either.< - I'd change the second "broken either" to "fine" or "intact"
<LI>>“But you might consider getting a shower first… you stink.”< - Hmm. I'd question whether a patient would be allowed to lie in sickbay without being cleaned up a bit.
<LI>>It was so strange… to feel safe.< - Yeah, doesn't it though?
<LI>* * *
<LI>>as long as it was food, he’d eat it.< - Food or just plain edible?
<LI>>I know this is the mess hall, Weaver, but we only bite food< - Even if it does bite back.
<LI>>contribute more to the war effort… and my friends… than just testing Epees.< - Perhaps the second elipsis could be shortened to a comma.
<LI>>He’s a Colonel. But why is he in the Confed Space Forces?< - And more importantly, why isn't he eating in the Officers' mess?
<LI>>“Oh… uh, this is Colonel Ralgha nar Hhallas, callsign Hobbes.” Captain Burkheimer told him, suddenly realising that he forgot about making the introductions. “Colonel.” He added, looking respectfully at the Kilrathi. “This is Weaver.”< - My dear Captain Burkheimer, where are your manners? Are you not aware it is proper protocol to introduce the younger person to the older first, and not vice versa?
<LI>>“These young cubs has just been telling me< - Has or have? I dunno how well Colonel Ralgha speaks English since I've never met him myself.
<LI>>bearing down on the jump point a several times, but…”< - Skip the "a". Looks like a remnant of when several were a few.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>“I’d already decided that I would do so even before I met them.”< - Since he has met Talon and Rhe'dhi, perhaps it would be better to say "before I heard."
<LI>>You know, I’ve been a pilot for more than twenty years… I’ve seen my fair share of casualties.< - That elipsis could be a fullstop.
<LI>>Did you Rhe’dhi tell you what Hharak’s last words were?< - That first you doesn't belong.
<LI>>“Aye, he did.” Paladin told him.< - That first fullstop should probably be a comma.
<LI>>Except perhaps the messy pile of papers on the desk.< - Did he really have those? Apparently a clean desk is a sign of authority.
<LI>>But,” he added, grinning smugly. “He just solved an enormous problem for me.< - The first fullstop should probably be a comma since the speech continues on.
<LI>>But had I sent any reinforcements there,< - I'd lose the but.
<LI>>But the next time I decide to persuade a test pilot to transfer into combat… remind me to keep you away from him.< - Another elipsis that could be a comma.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>The two of them were standing a few metres closer to Hharak’s symbolic remains than the other officers that were arrayed in two rows on either side of the coffin.< - Slightly unwieldly sentence. Consider breaking it up.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>Moments later, the shuttle burst out of the hangar, tearing away from the runway.< - For a maybe skip the away.
<LI>Epilogue
<LI>>somewhere on the other end of the universe.< - I believe that's "somewhere at."
<LI>>Though her long, black hair was now tangled and matted with sweat, and though her delicate face bore only that bleak look of someone who remains conscious through sheer willpower… there was still something familiar about her.< - I'd lose the second though.
</OL>
Never a dull moment. It doesn't really feel like a finish, but a nice setup for book two...and a change of scenery.
<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>>XIII. Homeward.< - Odd sort of title I must say since I'm quite sure Weaver knows just where home is...yet.
<LI>>With friends like this, he would always be safe!< - Only his friends can't land for him.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>But nothing else looked – or felt – broken either. The only pain he felt was in his shoulders, and they didn’t seem to be broken either.< - I'd change the second "broken either" to "fine" or "intact"
<LI>>“But you might consider getting a shower first… you stink.”< - Hmm. I'd question whether a patient would be allowed to lie in sickbay without being cleaned up a bit.
<LI>>It was so strange… to feel safe.< - Yeah, doesn't it though?
<LI>* * *
<LI>>as long as it was food, he’d eat it.< - Food or just plain edible?
<LI>>I know this is the mess hall, Weaver, but we only bite food< - Even if it does bite back.
<LI>>contribute more to the war effort… and my friends… than just testing Epees.< - Perhaps the second elipsis could be shortened to a comma.
<LI>>He’s a Colonel. But why is he in the Confed Space Forces?< - And more importantly, why isn't he eating in the Officers' mess?
<LI>>“Oh… uh, this is Colonel Ralgha nar Hhallas, callsign Hobbes.” Captain Burkheimer told him, suddenly realising that he forgot about making the introductions. “Colonel.” He added, looking respectfully at the Kilrathi. “This is Weaver.”< - My dear Captain Burkheimer, where are your manners? Are you not aware it is proper protocol to introduce the younger person to the older first, and not vice versa?
<LI>>“These young cubs has just been telling me< - Has or have? I dunno how well Colonel Ralgha speaks English since I've never met him myself.
<LI>>bearing down on the jump point a several times, but…”< - Skip the "a". Looks like a remnant of when several were a few.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>“I’d already decided that I would do so even before I met them.”< - Since he has met Talon and Rhe'dhi, perhaps it would be better to say "before I heard."
<LI>>You know, I’ve been a pilot for more than twenty years… I’ve seen my fair share of casualties.< - That elipsis could be a fullstop.
<LI>>Did you Rhe’dhi tell you what Hharak’s last words were?< - That first you doesn't belong.
<LI>>“Aye, he did.” Paladin told him.< - That first fullstop should probably be a comma.
<LI>>Except perhaps the messy pile of papers on the desk.< - Did he really have those? Apparently a clean desk is a sign of authority.
<LI>>But,” he added, grinning smugly. “He just solved an enormous problem for me.< - The first fullstop should probably be a comma since the speech continues on.
<LI>>But had I sent any reinforcements there,< - I'd lose the but.
<LI>>But the next time I decide to persuade a test pilot to transfer into combat… remind me to keep you away from him.< - Another elipsis that could be a comma.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>The two of them were standing a few metres closer to Hharak’s symbolic remains than the other officers that were arrayed in two rows on either side of the coffin.< - Slightly unwieldly sentence. Consider breaking it up.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>Moments later, the shuttle burst out of the hangar, tearing away from the runway.< - For a maybe skip the away.
<LI>Epilogue
<LI>>somewhere on the other end of the universe.< - I believe that's "somewhere at."
<LI>>Though her long, black hair was now tangled and matted with sweat, and though her delicate face bore only that bleak look of someone who remains conscious through sheer willpower… there was still something familiar about her.< - I'd lose the second though.
</OL>
Never a dull moment. It doesn't really feel like a finish, but a nice setup for book two...and a change of scenery.
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Quarto
Unknown Enemy
Yeah, finally
. Does this mean you'll be posting other stuff soon too - finally?
1. True, but whether he knows it or not, he is heading homeward.
2. Well, nobody's perfect
.
4. Two "broken either"s? Yes, that does call for change. There, it's now "The only pain he felt was in his shoulders, and even they seemed to be intact."
5. That depends on the circumstances. Of course, I could just say he stank so bad that nobody wanted to come near him
.
6. Aye, that it does.
8. Edible, aye.
9. It only does that sometimes
.
10. Actually, I rather like those elipsis right where they are.
11. Officers' mess... oh, that. Well, this might be the Officers' mess
. Or maybe the Officers' mess is being renovated
.
12. He's a fighter pilot, he doesn't know protocol
.
13. Whoops, my mistake. Have.
14. Now how did that get in there? Begone, a.
16. Aye, a toint pell waken. "Before I heard about it."
17. Well, I guess so.
18. I wonder if I was awake at the time?
Begone, you.
19. Oh, let's not start that again
. I prefer to use fullstops in conversation (most of the time), even if it's not quite grammatically correct. It just sounds better to me, somehow.
20. I daresay, Tolwyn doesn't need to flaunt his authority like that - he already looks the part.
21. Should, but won't
.
22. Agreed. Consider it lost.
23. No, because it represents a longer pause. A comma just wouldn't do. Besides, I'm allergic to commas
.
25. Hmm... how about if I add a comma after "officers", and change "that" to "who"? Yes, I think I will do that.
27. Hmm... no, I think it should stay.
29. Oh yeah. A point well taken.
30. Non. If I did that, the sentence would be disrupted. It sounds better with it there.
You're right, it doesn't feel like a finish
. But I guess that's the way it was meant to be - even though I still haven't started on Book Two, and I dinna ken know when I will. I'll get around to it eventually, though
.
1. True, but whether he knows it or not, he is heading homeward.
2. Well, nobody's perfect
4. Two "broken either"s? Yes, that does call for change. There, it's now "The only pain he felt was in his shoulders, and even they seemed to be intact."
5. That depends on the circumstances. Of course, I could just say he stank so bad that nobody wanted to come near him
6. Aye, that it does.
8. Edible, aye.
9. It only does that sometimes
10. Actually, I rather like those elipsis right where they are.
11. Officers' mess... oh, that. Well, this might be the Officers' mess
12. He's a fighter pilot, he doesn't know protocol
13. Whoops, my mistake. Have.
14. Now how did that get in there? Begone, a.
16. Aye, a toint pell waken. "Before I heard about it."
17. Well, I guess so.
18. I wonder if I was awake at the time?
19. Oh, let's not start that again
20. I daresay, Tolwyn doesn't need to flaunt his authority like that - he already looks the part.
21. Should, but won't
22. Agreed. Consider it lost.
23. No, because it represents a longer pause. A comma just wouldn't do. Besides, I'm allergic to commas
25. Hmm... how about if I add a comma after "officers", and change "that" to "who"? Yes, I think I will do that.
27. Hmm... no, I think it should stay.
29. Oh yeah. A point well taken.
30. Non. If I did that, the sentence would be disrupted. It sounds better with it there.
You're right, it doesn't feel like a finish
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Matrix
Rear Admiral
5. Yes well nurses do have certain...um...duties.
10. But then you have an overfondness of elipsis.
12. Nor any manners.
18. Alright, I'm going already.
19. There were quite a few more. I only pointed out this particular one and 21 because the others weren't as incorrect as those.
23. Hmm. You seem to have totally forgoten the n-dash too.
25. Aye...but I thought you said you were allergic to commas?
27. As long as you stay away from the runway.
30. Well then lose the first though.
I must say I have ideas for a second book of Recall, but the first just feels so...well...inadequate. And incomplete of course.
10. But then you have an overfondness of elipsis.
12. Nor any manners.
18. Alright, I'm going already.
19. There were quite a few more. I only pointed out this particular one and 21 because the others weren't as incorrect as those.
23. Hmm. You seem to have totally forgoten the n-dash too.
25. Aye...but I thought you said you were allergic to commas?
27. As long as you stay away from the runway.
30. Well then lose the first though.
I must say I have ideas for a second book of Recall, but the first just feels so...well...inadequate. And incomplete of course.
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Quarto
Unknown Enemy
5. Aye, but a "you stink" comment seemed like a good idea, so I overlooked the other insignificant details
. 'Sides, after the rather bloody Deneb campaign (the few ships that survived from the Sixth Fleet were full of wounded), the Med Corps on the Concordia (and every other Confed capship in the area) have their hands full. One unwashed patient more, one less... what's the diff?
10. They serve their purpose
.
19. I know. But basically, I feel that punctuation in speech should look right, even if it's not grammatically correct.
23. No, I actually considered it here, but it too seemed out of place here.
25. Well, I tolerate them when necessary
.
30. Aw, but I like the first though too
.
Second book of Recall? Will you have enough characters for it?
10. They serve their purpose
19. I know. But basically, I feel that punctuation in speech should look right, even if it's not grammatically correct.
23. No, I actually considered it here, but it too seemed out of place here.
25. Well, I tolerate them when necessary
30. Aw, but I like the first though too
Second book of Recall? Will you have enough characters for it?
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Quarto
Unknown Enemy
Just in case anybody was wondering, I've finally decided on a title for Book 1. I spent a good few months trying to think up all sorts of weird and catchy titles, but to no avail. So, I finally settled on this one. It's simple, but I think it reflects exactly what the whole book was about.
"Worth Saving"
Who knows, maybe now I'll get on with Book 2?
"Worth Saving"
Who knows, maybe now I'll get on with Book 2?
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Worth Saving? Okay, then.
Yes, hopefully you'll start on Book 2 one of these days.
Hmm... Speaking of "hopefull"ies:
Hopefully I'll post Chapter Eight of my story one of these days. And hopefully I'll finish reading Matrix's Recall one of these days. And hopefully Origin will make a new Wing Commander game one of these days...
Anyway, looking forward to Book 2.
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If I'm locked on, there's no such thing as evasive action!
Yes, hopefully you'll start on Book 2 one of these days.
Hmm... Speaking of "hopefull"ies:
Hopefully I'll post Chapter Eight of my story one of these days. And hopefully I'll finish reading Matrix's Recall one of these days. And hopefully Origin will make a new Wing Commander game one of these days...
Anyway, looking forward to Book 2.
------------------
If I'm locked on, there's no such thing as evasive action!
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