Catscratch_2
Spaceman
Colonel Blair woke up got, dressed and headed for the rec room of the Victory to get some practice in the simulator. He entered the rec room when all of a sudden... he saw Maniac making out with Flint. Then it just turned into an orgy in the mess hall..
Not being one to be left out of the fun Blair decied to join in. But just as Chris bagan to undo his belt the scrable alarm went off...
He began to run out the door, but his pants fell down and he tripped over them... landing on his face. Maniac Laughs
Some Girl in the corner of the room yells out *YOU GUYS ARE SICK*..
Trying to gather himself after his fall Blair couldn't help but notice a woman yelling out insults at the barely dressed crew. Enraged, Blair grabbed Vequtoe's guitar. Walking to the young pilot he sumarily began hitting her over the head with the guitar...
Then, because none of the pilots bothered to defend the ship, a Kilrathi boarding party lands onboard the carrier, kills the entire bridge crew and senior officers so now Blair is acting captain.
And then Chris Roberts comes aboard and admonishes you for defaming his creation in such a way.
And he is backed up by his band of software pirates! Slowly Robberts steps forward, draws his saber and says...
"No Regret spelled my name wrong!"
Roberts does a number of impressive (enter sword talk here) to impress the crowd. Blair takes the gun out of the holster and simply shoots Roberts between the eyes and goes to the bar for a drink. One of the pirates, who resembles Mr.T, steps forward and says:"Ye shot our leader, fool! Now I be smithing thy ass hella hard!"
Blair is unimpressed and says...
"Wanna drink"
Mr T quickly sits down and gulps a Hells Kitchen... but suddenly...
The Mr. T look alike then says "I pitty the fool!"
"Who drinks a Hell's Kitchen"
The bartender then produces a pipe and beats the coprse of Chris Roberts for not giving him a better part in the game.
Not wanting to outdone Blair took a bottle of wisky and smashed it over Mr. T's head. He then produced a lighter from his chest pocket and said, "pitty this" as he gave Mr. T a lite.
Mr. T's skin burned off leaving a shining metal skeleton... Which promptly...
As Mr. T staggered his burning and charring body towards the door, the Kilrathi boarding party enters, and Mr. T falls on them. The Kilrathi in point catches fire, and jumps back right into his own lines, setting fire to most of the boarding party as the others escape. Then Rachel comes up...
Rachel walks up to Blair and says "Pretty good barbeque (spelling?) you got there. Can I have some?"
And then Blair turns and notices that Robert's body has disappeared...
...Blair hears the voice of Roberts telling him "use the force luke". He draws hiis light saber and...
...realizes it produces only illumination and no destructive force.
Prepared for a threat, Blair then hears Chris' vioce once again only more clearly. "The fork Blair, use the fork." Perplexed Brair thinks for a moment and relizes the vioce was talking about. Finnaly the relization of what the vioce was talking about hits him. He grabs a knife and fork from the bar and walks over to one of the dead kilrathi. He then cuts a large portion of meat from the dead cat and starts to chow down...
"Hmmm, Tastes like chicken",Blair remarked, "It could use a little bbq sauce tough."
At that moment Maniac, Holding hands with Flint,walked in both smoking a cigarette and with a satisfied expression on their faces.
"What´s cooking, ace?", Maniac asked.
Blair replies "You, buddy!" and whips out his pocket flamethrower...
"... the sudden realization that he is low on butane hits him and Maniac takes this advantage to send Blair sprawling from a good swift kick in the ass. Blair hauls himself off of the deck, a hunk of dead cat in his teeth..."
... spitting it on Maniac's face, confusing him for a moment...
Maniac, in his constant stupidity, steps backward and trips over the pile of Kats...
...so all the guns they held accidentaly fire...
...Marshall's bullet-riddled body flies through the air, landing on the jukebox, which promptly begins to belt out...
Stayin' Alive... everyone gets up and discos, they ignore the scramble alarm thinking it is part of the song and a strobe light someone brought in...
...and when the rooms begins to rock Blair says: "Hey, nice equipment they installed here." ...
Smoke begins to fill the room as the result of the attack, Blair just mentions...
"Hey, someone turned on the fog machine..."
"... Then they realize that the fog is neither the result of an attack nor a fog machine, but the ever creepy presence of the Ghost of Disco Past; John Travolta..."
On the way in the Ghost scared off all the attackers but that causes the scramble alarm to stop and without the strobe the party quickly dwindles...
... Hobbes saves the day then, leaping atop the bar and bellowing out " Funkytown" in original Kilrah. As the crowd chants, " Play that funky music, cat boy!" Captain Eisen breaks up the party and sends Blair and company to the brig...
But Travolta being a ghost, can't be arrested in a common manner. So Eisen, who is still alive (barely) gives his last order while breathing his dying breath: "call the... "
..."GHOST BUSTERS!!!" (Who else} who quickly come in and round him up... on the way out they grab the ghost of Jazz who was going to cause some mischeif, but unfourtunately...
Rays backpack goes into meltdown... Seezing the oprotunity Jazz...
Goes for Maniac's supply of Firekka's Finest...
...While the specter of Major Colson downs the liquor, Slimer devours all of the food. Vaquero is pissed by this because he had been smoking a doobie and had the serious munchies. A riot ensues...
Vaquero ,sevely pissed, stands up and shouts "You dirty, mo****f***ing son of a b*tch! I´m gonna rip open your slimy little body and..."
He´s stops because he notices everybody´s looking at him in silence, their mouths open from amazement (except for Flint who´s crying over Maniac´s decomposing body)
"What?",he bellows
Blair steps forward ands says:...
"Quiet... We all want to laugh at Maniac's misfortune... and then we need to take care of Jazz over there.... " <Spits in Jazz's direction> Blair punches at Jazz but his hand goes straight through him... Then he comes up with an idea
He picks some Bex beer from the bar and sprinkles on Jazz...
Grabs a match and lights Jazz on fire... This really shouldn't do anything but for some reason Jazz turns into ash until...
The smoke makes everyone feel dizzy...
... But it is just potent enough to revive Maniac and the Kilrathi boarding party. Night of the Living Dead begins to replay itself in the twenty-seventh century...
Maniac and the Kilrathi climb onto the bar and start singing showtoons. Unable to take such torcher Vagabond grabs one of the cat's assult riffles and sprays his tormentors with gunfire. But to his horror...
... Chang realizes he's an idiot because they're already dead. His brains are immediately devoured. In a matter of moments, the zombies, led by Maniac, steer the Victory toward the raging inferno of a protostar...
Then Maniac leads his undead band to the observation deck so they all can get a good tan...
On the way Maniac picks up Flint and she promptly goes for his pants only to find out that some essential parts aren´t as attached as they used to be due to the decomposition.
The crew immediatrly starts to vomit violantly after witnissing this disgusting scene...
Then they realise nothing had decomposed and that is what he looked like to begin with... and they vomit again...
Not one to go down with the ship Blair ran to the flightdeck to make a quick getaway in a fighter. Unfortunatally he wasn't the only one with plans of abandoning ship. All of the newer ships were gone and the only craft left was an old Epee...
...Meanwhile, back on the Victory, Lieutenant Rollins, who had been on the can when the Kilrathi boarding party killed the bridge crew, launches a spread of torpedoes, which causes the carrier to blast clear of the star. The zombies immediately kill Radio and destroy the ship via self-destruct. The Kilrathi troops are disintengrated, but Maniac escapes in a hidden Excalibur cloaked on the deck, locking onto Blair's fleeing Epee with full guns and missiles...
But then Blair drops a deluge of decoys...
...A massive explosion ensues, Maniac's Excalibur is engulfed and destroyed. Blair, his Epee's tail caught in the shockwave, is forced to eject, floating helpless near a protostar, until...
His eject pod is caught by a tractor beam from a Kilrathi Dreadnought...
Blair thinks to himself "Oh no, not again...."
Prince Thrahtakh comes over with some guards and says "this fighting is geting boring, my dady died because of you, I kiled your girlfriend. Let's just get a drink instead. OK?" Blair looks up and replies "Screw You! Uh, I mean sure Thraky" They walk to Thrahtakhs room but on their way.....
Thrak trips and falls on his claws. They rip into his stomache and Blair mumbles "OK, this is where I say Screw You" and promptly follows his own advice. Then he gets that drink.
Wich was that Kilrathi drink (eggnog?), making Blair REALLY drunk and woozy, just like the cats...
...He passes out and days later finds himself on the T.C.S. Hangover...
...Colonel Blair woke up, got dressed, and headed for the rec room of the Hangover to get some practice in the simulator. He entered the rec room, when all of a sudden...
this feeling of déja-vu hits him. The rec room doors slide open and Blair gets enough courage to open his eyes. "phew...no orgy"
Blair feels sort of dissapointed but decides that, to fill the time, he will get drunk and try to fly a fighter while pissed...
...Blair sinks into a horrible depression and, after crashing his simulated fighter into a simulated Kilrathi dreadnought, is sent to a hospital to get better. In the middle of the night, the orderly comes into Blair's room and...
pulls out the candlestick, screams "The orderly in the medical bay with the candlestick!" and proceeds to beat Blair to a pulp. Then they hear someone at the door....
"...Enter Sherlock Holmes, who begins to investigate the case of the death of Mr. Body (the murder victim in Clue), all the while eluding Dr. Moriarty. Colonel Blair, however, is in a coma and goes on a mystical journey led by a naked Indian (excuse me, Native American )...
"Who chants 'If you build it they will come"
Blair spends the next few days building a....
...Stellar Accretion Device. Kevin Costner helps him, because all of his latest movies have royaly sucked so he has nothing better to do. In three weeks the device is complete and Blair and Kevin turn around from their atmospherically sealed work bubble to see...
William Shatner in a leotard. He says.....
".... Must ...destroy...aliens...find..that green.....chick." (Throughout he does various hand motions which are inexplicable(sp?) Blair then picks up one of the trashed assualt rifles he had taken from a Kilrhathi,pionts it at Shatner, pulls the trigger which not only nails Shatner squarely on the chest, but also explodes disintigrating Costner while leaving Blair unharmed...
Blair turns in the direction of the Accretion Device and watches in horror as a Pokemon fleet pases through. He than hears Pikachu saying over the comm "I am Pikachu of the Pokemon, lower your shields and surender your ships. We will add you technological and biological distinguishnes (I'm not even sure if this word exsists) into our collective" Blair turns around and runs for his fighter, but before he can get to it he sees.......
"...a herd of Pikachus,Bulbasaurs,and Charmanders.The Bulbasaurs then proceed to tie him up when a band of Sivar Renegades land and start chasing,capturing,and eating all the Pikachus except one that then shocks a Carmander who burns his pals who then burn the incapacitated(by the weight of their bellies from eating their Pika'meals)Kilrhathi who then turn into huge flame balls.While rolling around they crush the Charmanders and set a-blaze the Bulbasaurs,freeing Blair.After be-friending the Pikachu who had survived Blair and Pikachu escape to the remenants of the Epee,and escape barely able to reach escape velocity..."
when all of a sudden the Indiana Jones music starts blaring over his radio and he sees someone coming at him in a spacesuit. THe damaged epee can't build up enough speed to get away and....
"...Maniac slams into the front of Blair's cockpit saying'How ya' doing ace?' as they are sent hurtling towards the planet Blair ejects,Maniac still clinging to the cockpit and his oversized ego. When they crash into the planets surface Blair awakens from his coma yelling out 'PIKACHU!!!'frightening the candystrippers(candy+strippers)and,(gasp)Maniac,cured by the antigen made about 500 years ago to cure the zombie virus(Resident Evil:3).
Blair and Maniac then proceed to a local bar when..."
A little ten year old kid with a baseball cap appears. "Excuse me, sir, but have you seen my Pikachu?"
"Nope, sorry kid"
The kid immediatly starts babbling about his pokémon and the pokémon league, and how he's gonna be the greatest Pokémon trainer in the world.
Blair and Maniac are getting really, really annoyed, they look at eachother, grin and turn towards the kid. A muderous look in their eyes...
"Blair then reaches for his pistol and realizes that he had lost it in the hospital. The kid then says'Poke'ball,GOO...'right before he falls the ground with a smoldering hole in his back. Maniac had picked up a welding laser to vape the kid. The laser shot past Blair and hit a gas tank that then exploded sending Blair and Maniac flying toward a...."
... towards the mouth of a giant open monkey head...
"...when Blair yells'see ya!' to Maniac before he uses Maniac to push himself out of harms way, sending Maniac into the simian(sp?)mouth which promptly begins to chew him to death. Then the top of the head explodes as the result of a thermal grenade that Maniac had set off.Maniac then proceeded to follow Blair to the bar,not the slightest disgruntled about what had just happened. A GIANT BOOM then resonated through the air as a(an)....
short dorky guy named Guybrush Threepwood shoots himself out of a cannon, landing 5 feet in front of Blair and says.....
"...'Meessa Jar Jar Threepwood.' Tolwyn then lands a hovercraft close to the area and walks nonchalantly over to Threepwood, raises his boot which is a 11 1/2 and lands it atop of Threepwood's head, causing him to..."
"...Tolwyn places a shock-collar on Threepwood's neck and hauls him away in the hovercraft. Blair and Maniac are determined to save Threepwood and board a freighter piloted by Archie Bunker to chase Tolwyn. But before they can launch, Bill Shatner, still alive but horribly mangled, hops aboard, a crazy look in his eyes. 'You're the green chick! You're the Orion Animal Woman!' Shatner strips down and lunges towards Blair, hands a-gropin'..."
...when suddenly his intercom beeps, and Scotty's voice comes thru it saying that there's a problem in engineering. Shatner is teleported away, leaving Blair and Maniac alone...
"...Archie kicks the freighter into action, swooping down onto Tolwyn's tail and disabling it. They free Threepwood and are on their way to Reno 2, a casino world, when the Enterprise comes down upon them. Shatner, wearing an ill-fitting gold tunic, locks phasers on them, giving them an ulitmatum..."
Shatner says "release threepwood into my custody immediately, he is my long lost child and will be my new engineering officer, I'm tired of scotty. If you do not comply I will be forced to...."
... ressurrect LeChuck and teleport him into your ship, so you'll have to listen to all of his babbling...
"..Shatner is then cut short as Tolwyn tackles Shatner,hitting the airlock. Shatner is then sucked out into the void of space when Maniac depresses the button to the hatch. Blair tells Archie to move aside from the control panels. He then aims the frieghters' newly added plasma cannon at Shatner who is waving his arms wildly, trying to make his way back to the Enterprise.Suddenly Shatner is disintigrated, nude, disgusting appendages floating one direction or another. Scotty then appears on the viewscreen and starts to explain when...."
When Lechuck appears, draws his lightsaber, and starts doing a samurai routine to intimidate the heroes. All of a sudden Blair says....
... "Hey, your shoelaces are untied," at which point LeChuck...
... drops the lightsaber and goes tying his shoelaces. Then Blair breaks a bottle of grogg on LeChuck's head. LeChuck sez: "Grogg... hmmm... delicious."...
Blair quickly changes roles into LUKE SKYWALKER so he can deal with these menaces!!! He pulls out his lightsaber and.....
...Curses as he realizes the AA batteries need to be replaced. This is quite the wrong place and time to run out of juice. His mind racing, he thinks to himself...
... 'It figures Maniac used up all the batteries on this ship for his sex toys.' He looks around, desperately trying to find something to use as a weapon. He looks behind him as...
A massive Energizer bunny comes hurtling through space, destroying the engine section of their ship, and sending a boarding party of smaller killer energizer bunnies. All the passeners decide that they must....
"...use LeChuck as bait for the killer bunnies. Blair then throws LeChuck at the crazed bunnies. They easily destroy LeChuck, splatering the grogg everywhere, including their batteries. This caused them to malfunction,the end result is them exploding.Blair and the others then dashed to the escape pods as the ship began to give way to the awsome force of space. Blair then looks out window to see whats happening when Maniac pops up, a killer bunny attached to his neck.He then pulls it off with great ease and is just fooling around when the pod launches, catching on to Maniac's shirt. As they hurtle towards the planet,Maniac blue in the face as he is about to pop from the absence of pressure..."
Then a borg cube appears...
A large vogon ship appers, firings its 50thousand megawat cannons at the cube and generally looking ugly. The Cube tries to fight back, but the vogon ship destroys it, then every single one of the still somewhat living characters is transported onto the bridge of the vogon ship, where Ford Prefect is standing holding a towel and he says....
Blair grabs the thing in Ford's hands, it has writing on it... In big letters it reads DON'T PANIC!!!
Blair promptly begins to panic and....
Runs for the shuttle like a girl screeming "we're all going to die!"
Blair makes it to the escape shuttle, with Ford Prefect in tow, and the barly concious Maniac in hand. Blasting away from the ship as it hurtles furiously at the planet surface, impacting and causing the planet too implode in on itself. Prefect looks out the window of the shuttle and crys.
"Don't feel too bad Ford", Blair says, "We'll just stop off at Taushie station and pick up a few power converters a few spare parts and build you a new one."
Looking at Blair Ford says, "I don't care about the ship, I'm crying about all my limited edition Carrie Fisher Porno's. It took me twenty years to collect those."
Blair pulls out a couple of magazines from his flight suit and give's them to Ford, "Here you can have mine."
Then out of no where, out side the shuttle, an emense gravity well captures the little craft and pulls it's self toward it.
"Is it another pulsar?!?", Maniac exclaims.
Rushing to the scanner, Blair quickly works to find the cause of the gravity well, then looks at Maniac and Ford in horror.
"It's Delta Burk and what's worse is she's being pulled in by a massive Ramond Burr!!!", shouts Blair.
Being pulled in dangeriously close to the massive body's of lard the three of them...
scream really loudly when all of a sudden Spider-Man in a space suit comes swinging in to save them on is spider web. he tows the ship to safety and lands them on a planet called....
"Hughgrantio" by it's native inhabitants who are all Hugh Grant clones...
The Hugh Grant clones begin to converge on the four space travelers, chanting all the while..."Oscar, Oscar, We want an Oscar!!!"
Blair, and Maniac are both easily subdued as the Clones acting is worse than thier one. SpiderMan topples a few of the Hugh Grant's coming after him with a few witty remark about how bad "Distinguished Gentelman" was.
While Ford Prefect, hold off his tormentors with his rare Hustlers with Carrie Fisher in them...but the stand off doesn't last long and they are all overcome by crapy Brittish actors.
But just when all hope is lost, the mortal enemies of the Hugh Grant clones appear over the horizen...a band of busty, slutty, amizon, Hookers...They all charge at the Clones, while thier queen screams thier long feared battle cry....
"Ni! Ni! Ni! " as the Monty Python cast comes running out wearing nothing but....
"Ni Ni Ni", the crazed Hookers exclaim in reply. As they come charging down the hill side.
"Screw'im and show no mercy", thier warrior queen exclaims as she pins the first Clone to the ground and begins to have her way with him.
Through all this confusion Blair decideds that they all should run back too the shuttle and get as far from the planet as they can. Unfortunatly Ford and Maniac are intranced by the wild orgey that ensuse before them and rush in to participate. Only having time to save one, Blair grabs one of the amazon hookers and drags her with him. Spider Man (I have forgotten about him) warms up the ship just as Blair and the hooker named Kat gets onboard. I a blasting fury the shuttle lifts off and they three of them are flown off out of harms way as the collective orgasims of the orgey destroy the planet and everything on it (let leave Maniac dead, please).
As Spider Man is left at the helm. Blair and Kat take the only sleeping quaters left and make happy on the sheets, as Kat exclaims, "This ones for you Ace."
Blair and Kat start kissing passionatly when all of a sudden Maniac comes crashing trough the hull, trown there by the explosion. Luckely an emergeny forcefield protects our heroes from the horrors of vacuum.
"Hey, Ace, you weren't thinking about leaving without me, were you?
Then Spidey gets on the comm.
"Hey, guys, we've got something incoming..."
It's a bunch of giant ant-eaters... And they're trying to suck us up...
when out of nowhere, MAx Kruger and the entire Landreich fleet shows up, rescues the heroes and kills all of the ants! THen...
The Steltek drone teleports right before them and begins to shoot...
with all of the ants dead, the anteaters have no food and begin to go extinct, prompting Captain Planet to show up saying....
Hello... I'm Captain Planet (what an anti-climax...) He quickly saves the giant Ant-eaters by putting them on a big planet with alot of ants... unfourtunately it is also the home of the infamous ant-eater-eater... Captain planet then announces "The Power Is Yours..." and Blair feels a little tingle from a ring he never noticed he had before... It seems to have a picture of FIRE on it.
"Pfff, That stupid flying egg doesn't scare me!" Blair aims the ring at the Steltek ship and prepares to fire only to realise too late that the hull of the shuttle is in the way...
As the fireball blast's away the hull the shuttle immediatly decompresses and everyone is desperatly hanging on to something for dear life...luckly with some quick thinking Spider Man uses some of his webing to block the hole made from the blast. Unfortunatly, all the webbing does is keep them from being sucked out into the vacume of space, and they all wait to die from lack of oxygen...
But then, instead of dying from oxygen, Maniac show up and his head explodes, releasing so much hot air into the cabin of the ship that they all have enough air to patch the hole in the ship. Then, Spiderman set a course for the planet to save the giant anteaters from the anteater-eaters.....
Blair turns to Spidey:"Say, why are we going to rescue those damn anteaters anyway? They tried to kill us remember. I say let 'em die"
Spiderman agrees and steers the patched up shuttle towards a new destination: the pleasure planet Risa.
"Say, Spiderman, why did you rescue us, uh me, uh you know, anyway?"
"Oh, yeah...in all this hasle I totally forgot...", Spider Man says as he comes to the realization that he forgot what his true purpose of saving Blair was, "You got Carrie Fishers home phone? Normally I wouldn't ask, but the old lady hasn't been putting out like she used to and well my "webbing" is building up kinda fast...if you know what I mean..."
"Oh brother...", Blair staits in disgust as he reaches into his fight suit too pull out the number which reads, for a good time call Leia, signed Chewbacca. Blair gives the phone number over too Spider Man and returns to making with Kat.
The ship lands on Risa and the trio are met by an antorage of naked, oiled down, deeply tanned Risan women.
"I got a Big", Blair starts to say before Kat glares at him ominously...clearing his throat he continues,"I mean, I've got a bad, yeah that's it; that's what I ment to say, bad fealing about this." Blair turns his head back to Kat who nodes and smiles...
She says "Sorry blair" and winks at captain planet as the two of them head back into the ship. Captain Planet says...
"...INFIDEL!" As his body starts to contort in shapes that even the most flexible contortionist would shriek at. Kat then runs to Blair and hides her head in his shoulder. Captin Planet then finished his transformation to reveal that he is....
... really Barney, the annoying sappy dinosaur from PBS used to brainwash kids into being members of the Conspiracy. He starts singing "I love you, you love me, we're all part of the great Conspiracy" when...
something happens quite suddenly ....
...an eskimo opens a door into the room and jumps in, throwing a spear on Barney. As Braney is dying, the Teletubbies run to him...
...And finish him off, all the while screaming "Ek'rah skabak erg Thrak'Kilrah maks Rag'nith!"
...and now that Barney is finished, they turn to Blair and company and each one says bye, and then they say bye to themselves, and then they say bye to the sun, and then...
...thanks to their incredible ammount of annoyance and cuteness Marilyn Manson shows up holding what appears to be a very painful kitchen utencil...
all of a sudden, Manson's head explodes due to a bomb planted there by one of Thrakath's secret agents.then a crack squad of Kilrathi soldiers runs in and starts slaughtering Teletubbies....
while the Kilrathi squad and the Teletubbies keep each other occupied, Blair gets out of the ship...
He decides to escape by jumping out the window. The lack of pressure causes his head to explode... But luckily, as the goo goes everywhere....
... as the goo swirls around, It slowly reforms Blair's body. When Blair is reformed, he says: "Hey, don't you know how much that stings?"...
Then the MIB show up....
...And one by one, explode in a lemming-like fashion...
...then a giant arrow cursor clicks on one of the surviving MIB members and issues a "build starship" command...
In all the exitement nobody notices that Maniac's body, wich had been left in a corner, slowly turns into a silver liquid and starts forming a puddle...
When out of nowhere Arnold Schwartzenegger shows up wearing a leather jacket and carrying a rocket launcher. As Maniac's body takes form, Arnold raises his weapon when...
A Nephilem jumps on him from above and devours him
... and then a bunch of his fans jump in and start arguing that he's not dead...
As Arnold lies in the Stomach of a nephilum, motionless, A red flicker in his eye reactivates his body and blows a hole through the bug. then Him and his fans proceed to kick the $^%#() out of everyone standing in their way. Then out from the shadows leaps...
...A cute, tiny, pink-furred, fluffy bunny. It wiggles its nose in an exceedingly endearing fashion. Then it flicks its ears, in an even more endearing fashion.
...And then it proceeds to rapidly devour Arnold and his fans. Within seconds, all that is left of them are the soles of their shoes.
...then Megazord enters and proceeds on doing flashy moves at the bunny...
Then all of Monty Python come on and explain the dangers of the bunny rabbits...
Fortunately, Blair happens to have a Holy Grenade, which is actually a miniaturized version of the Temblor Bomb. He pulls the pin and throws it at the Fluffy Bunny.
Then he realises that he's still holding the grenade...
But he realises he forgot the complex counting instructions... drops it and runs...
...then Spiderman picks it up and *poof*. Then the Kilrathi pick it up and *poof*. Then...
...then Bobbin Threadbare pops in and "unmakes" the bunny, leaving a space rift in its place...
In the meantime nobody notices how Marilyn Manson's dna is being absorbed by the still forming Maniac...
...But fortunately, Maniac's system rejects the DNA, and forces it out of his body. Manson's remains then proceed to dissolve into nothingness, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
But due to a side effect of the attempted merge...Mainiac's body begins to twist and cunvuls. His head begins to spin around, and in a blinding flash of fire and brimstone. The form of Mainiac appears, altered by his trasformation. Wearing nothing but a lether boostie and womans underwear, his face covered in cheaply applied makeup and a bull whip in hand. Mainiac is no longer the man or thing he once was.
"I'm am now, Maniac Manson...ha ha ha ha ha.", Maniac states as he laughs,"Feel my wrath infidels..."
Then TC shows up and shoots Maniac just to get rid of this horrible, horrible plot twist...
But unfortunatly he misses...
Out of nowhere, a dorky looking man wearing cheap pirate clothing appears. He gives Maniac a plain snow cone covered with dog hair, pepper, and the remains of a lemon merangue.
Maniac, being the disgusting, Mansonated creature that he is at this particular stage, doesn't particularly worry about the appearance of the snow cone.
"Thanks, boyo!" He says, and swallows the cone in one bite. And then...
"...A confrontation ensues. Blair, Spidey, and all of good old Maverick's gang prepares to fight Maniac and his horde of ne'er do wells, with Marshall declaring they fight on land. With a snap of his fingers they appear on a large agrarian world and a Braveheart-esque battle follows. Blood sheds and many die, until black clouds form into the massive head-and-shoulders of the spirit of Chris Roberts. 'Cease this bickering!' he roars, his voice like thunder. 'Or thou shall face my wrath! Laudate vestrum deum!'. The combatants place down their arms and bow to Roberts, who lowers a devine finger and zaps all but Blair into the nether realms. Blair ascends into a higher plane of existence to rule the Universe with Roberts..."
...but, after spending 10.000 years ruling the universe,that gets really boring and decides to turn back time to the moment just before Chris Roberts' head appears, making sure Roberts' alarm clock is set to wake him an hour late. Blair then goes to Roberts' study and changes his appointment for that day from "Zapp People to nether realms and rule universe with Blair" to "invade TCS Victory with band of pirates"...
And a good ol' fashioned time paradox ensues...
But then the Guardian pops in thru a moongate and destroys the alarm clock. Roberts just turns himself on bed and mumbles "Quit being so clumsy mommy..."
And as time changes everything that happened before doesn't because Roberts never attacked... so his alarm was never destroyed.... so Roberts attacked.... So his alarm clock was destroyed.... so Roberts never attacked.... so his alarm clock wasn't destroyed....
But then the Guardian stops time. He picks up Chris Roberts, sticks his hand through a jump point, and opens it up on the other side. We see Chris Roberts squirming around in the palm of the hand.
"You have been a thorn in my side for far too long, Roberts." He thunders. "Your Wing Commander series took the users' attention away from Ultima. For that, I banish you to the world of DigitalAnvil!"
He drops Roberts, who plunges into the sea below.
At this point, time resumes, and...
Then something big explodes
From that explosion bursts a small lifepod, bearing one single occupant. That occupant, [...]
...is Chrispetodd Parkblairchal. A very confused mutant created by the explosion from Blair, Maniac and Spiderman. There is only one thought running through it's mind...
and that thought is..."Where can I find a copy of End run? for less than $50?" He then proceeds to the nearest Barnes and Noble and...
...fails to find a copy of the book. He orders it from Ebay, but when he opens the package he finds...
A half-eaten sandwich, made of dry bread and cold cuts. He eats it and then thinks: "Why does this remind me of a Moonstone?"
... Then Blair wakes up. Another nightmare. But this one was just weird. Clearly, the Nephilem messed something up while they were dredging up memories. Well, there's no way I'm going back to sleep, he decided. He got up, walked out of his quarters and headed for the recroom. It should be empty at this time... Maybe he could quietly finish off that bottle of Altairian Brandy that he'd swiped from Maestro's quarters.
But the recroom wasn't empty...
"Hobbes? What are you doing here? You know that Confed will kill you if they see you here! Hell, they might kill me for tractoring in you and Thrak!"
Hobbes looked surprised. "But I requested..."
"Never mind that. I want you on my wing..." Whoa. What's going on here? His memory was intruding again.
"Actually," Hobbes said, "I really only came to..."
Not being one to be left out of the fun Blair decied to join in. But just as Chris bagan to undo his belt the scrable alarm went off...
He began to run out the door, but his pants fell down and he tripped over them... landing on his face. Maniac Laughs
Some Girl in the corner of the room yells out *YOU GUYS ARE SICK*..
Trying to gather himself after his fall Blair couldn't help but notice a woman yelling out insults at the barely dressed crew. Enraged, Blair grabbed Vequtoe's guitar. Walking to the young pilot he sumarily began hitting her over the head with the guitar...
Then, because none of the pilots bothered to defend the ship, a Kilrathi boarding party lands onboard the carrier, kills the entire bridge crew and senior officers so now Blair is acting captain.
And then Chris Roberts comes aboard and admonishes you for defaming his creation in such a way.
And he is backed up by his band of software pirates! Slowly Robberts steps forward, draws his saber and says...
"No Regret spelled my name wrong!"
Roberts does a number of impressive (enter sword talk here) to impress the crowd. Blair takes the gun out of the holster and simply shoots Roberts between the eyes and goes to the bar for a drink. One of the pirates, who resembles Mr.T, steps forward and says:"Ye shot our leader, fool! Now I be smithing thy ass hella hard!"
Blair is unimpressed and says...
"Wanna drink"
Mr T quickly sits down and gulps a Hells Kitchen... but suddenly...
The Mr. T look alike then says "I pitty the fool!"
"Who drinks a Hell's Kitchen"
The bartender then produces a pipe and beats the coprse of Chris Roberts for not giving him a better part in the game.
Not wanting to outdone Blair took a bottle of wisky and smashed it over Mr. T's head. He then produced a lighter from his chest pocket and said, "pitty this" as he gave Mr. T a lite.
Mr. T's skin burned off leaving a shining metal skeleton... Which promptly...
As Mr. T staggered his burning and charring body towards the door, the Kilrathi boarding party enters, and Mr. T falls on them. The Kilrathi in point catches fire, and jumps back right into his own lines, setting fire to most of the boarding party as the others escape. Then Rachel comes up...
Rachel walks up to Blair and says "Pretty good barbeque (spelling?) you got there. Can I have some?"
And then Blair turns and notices that Robert's body has disappeared...
...Blair hears the voice of Roberts telling him "use the force luke". He draws hiis light saber and...
...realizes it produces only illumination and no destructive force.
Prepared for a threat, Blair then hears Chris' vioce once again only more clearly. "The fork Blair, use the fork." Perplexed Brair thinks for a moment and relizes the vioce was talking about. Finnaly the relization of what the vioce was talking about hits him. He grabs a knife and fork from the bar and walks over to one of the dead kilrathi. He then cuts a large portion of meat from the dead cat and starts to chow down...
"Hmmm, Tastes like chicken",Blair remarked, "It could use a little bbq sauce tough."
At that moment Maniac, Holding hands with Flint,walked in both smoking a cigarette and with a satisfied expression on their faces.
"What´s cooking, ace?", Maniac asked.
Blair replies "You, buddy!" and whips out his pocket flamethrower...
"... the sudden realization that he is low on butane hits him and Maniac takes this advantage to send Blair sprawling from a good swift kick in the ass. Blair hauls himself off of the deck, a hunk of dead cat in his teeth..."
... spitting it on Maniac's face, confusing him for a moment...
Maniac, in his constant stupidity, steps backward and trips over the pile of Kats...
...so all the guns they held accidentaly fire...
...Marshall's bullet-riddled body flies through the air, landing on the jukebox, which promptly begins to belt out...
Stayin' Alive... everyone gets up and discos, they ignore the scramble alarm thinking it is part of the song and a strobe light someone brought in...
...and when the rooms begins to rock Blair says: "Hey, nice equipment they installed here." ...
Smoke begins to fill the room as the result of the attack, Blair just mentions...
"Hey, someone turned on the fog machine..."
"... Then they realize that the fog is neither the result of an attack nor a fog machine, but the ever creepy presence of the Ghost of Disco Past; John Travolta..."
On the way in the Ghost scared off all the attackers but that causes the scramble alarm to stop and without the strobe the party quickly dwindles...
... Hobbes saves the day then, leaping atop the bar and bellowing out " Funkytown" in original Kilrah. As the crowd chants, " Play that funky music, cat boy!" Captain Eisen breaks up the party and sends Blair and company to the brig...
But Travolta being a ghost, can't be arrested in a common manner. So Eisen, who is still alive (barely) gives his last order while breathing his dying breath: "call the... "
..."GHOST BUSTERS!!!" (Who else} who quickly come in and round him up... on the way out they grab the ghost of Jazz who was going to cause some mischeif, but unfourtunately...
Rays backpack goes into meltdown... Seezing the oprotunity Jazz...
Goes for Maniac's supply of Firekka's Finest...
...While the specter of Major Colson downs the liquor, Slimer devours all of the food. Vaquero is pissed by this because he had been smoking a doobie and had the serious munchies. A riot ensues...
Vaquero ,sevely pissed, stands up and shouts "You dirty, mo****f***ing son of a b*tch! I´m gonna rip open your slimy little body and..."
He´s stops because he notices everybody´s looking at him in silence, their mouths open from amazement (except for Flint who´s crying over Maniac´s decomposing body)
"What?",he bellows
Blair steps forward ands says:...
"Quiet... We all want to laugh at Maniac's misfortune... and then we need to take care of Jazz over there.... " <Spits in Jazz's direction> Blair punches at Jazz but his hand goes straight through him... Then he comes up with an idea
He picks some Bex beer from the bar and sprinkles on Jazz...
Grabs a match and lights Jazz on fire... This really shouldn't do anything but for some reason Jazz turns into ash until...
The smoke makes everyone feel dizzy...
... But it is just potent enough to revive Maniac and the Kilrathi boarding party. Night of the Living Dead begins to replay itself in the twenty-seventh century...
Maniac and the Kilrathi climb onto the bar and start singing showtoons. Unable to take such torcher Vagabond grabs one of the cat's assult riffles and sprays his tormentors with gunfire. But to his horror...
... Chang realizes he's an idiot because they're already dead. His brains are immediately devoured. In a matter of moments, the zombies, led by Maniac, steer the Victory toward the raging inferno of a protostar...
Then Maniac leads his undead band to the observation deck so they all can get a good tan...
On the way Maniac picks up Flint and she promptly goes for his pants only to find out that some essential parts aren´t as attached as they used to be due to the decomposition.
The crew immediatrly starts to vomit violantly after witnissing this disgusting scene...
Then they realise nothing had decomposed and that is what he looked like to begin with... and they vomit again...
Not one to go down with the ship Blair ran to the flightdeck to make a quick getaway in a fighter. Unfortunatally he wasn't the only one with plans of abandoning ship. All of the newer ships were gone and the only craft left was an old Epee...
...Meanwhile, back on the Victory, Lieutenant Rollins, who had been on the can when the Kilrathi boarding party killed the bridge crew, launches a spread of torpedoes, which causes the carrier to blast clear of the star. The zombies immediately kill Radio and destroy the ship via self-destruct. The Kilrathi troops are disintengrated, but Maniac escapes in a hidden Excalibur cloaked on the deck, locking onto Blair's fleeing Epee with full guns and missiles...
But then Blair drops a deluge of decoys...
...A massive explosion ensues, Maniac's Excalibur is engulfed and destroyed. Blair, his Epee's tail caught in the shockwave, is forced to eject, floating helpless near a protostar, until...
His eject pod is caught by a tractor beam from a Kilrathi Dreadnought...
Blair thinks to himself "Oh no, not again...."
Prince Thrahtakh comes over with some guards and says "this fighting is geting boring, my dady died because of you, I kiled your girlfriend. Let's just get a drink instead. OK?" Blair looks up and replies "Screw You! Uh, I mean sure Thraky" They walk to Thrahtakhs room but on their way.....
Thrak trips and falls on his claws. They rip into his stomache and Blair mumbles "OK, this is where I say Screw You" and promptly follows his own advice. Then he gets that drink.
Wich was that Kilrathi drink (eggnog?), making Blair REALLY drunk and woozy, just like the cats...
...He passes out and days later finds himself on the T.C.S. Hangover...
...Colonel Blair woke up, got dressed, and headed for the rec room of the Hangover to get some practice in the simulator. He entered the rec room, when all of a sudden...
this feeling of déja-vu hits him. The rec room doors slide open and Blair gets enough courage to open his eyes. "phew...no orgy"
Blair feels sort of dissapointed but decides that, to fill the time, he will get drunk and try to fly a fighter while pissed...
...Blair sinks into a horrible depression and, after crashing his simulated fighter into a simulated Kilrathi dreadnought, is sent to a hospital to get better. In the middle of the night, the orderly comes into Blair's room and...
pulls out the candlestick, screams "The orderly in the medical bay with the candlestick!" and proceeds to beat Blair to a pulp. Then they hear someone at the door....
"...Enter Sherlock Holmes, who begins to investigate the case of the death of Mr. Body (the murder victim in Clue), all the while eluding Dr. Moriarty. Colonel Blair, however, is in a coma and goes on a mystical journey led by a naked Indian (excuse me, Native American )...
"Who chants 'If you build it they will come"
Blair spends the next few days building a....
...Stellar Accretion Device. Kevin Costner helps him, because all of his latest movies have royaly sucked so he has nothing better to do. In three weeks the device is complete and Blair and Kevin turn around from their atmospherically sealed work bubble to see...
William Shatner in a leotard. He says.....
".... Must ...destroy...aliens...find..that green.....chick." (Throughout he does various hand motions which are inexplicable(sp?) Blair then picks up one of the trashed assualt rifles he had taken from a Kilrhathi,pionts it at Shatner, pulls the trigger which not only nails Shatner squarely on the chest, but also explodes disintigrating Costner while leaving Blair unharmed...
Blair turns in the direction of the Accretion Device and watches in horror as a Pokemon fleet pases through. He than hears Pikachu saying over the comm "I am Pikachu of the Pokemon, lower your shields and surender your ships. We will add you technological and biological distinguishnes (I'm not even sure if this word exsists) into our collective" Blair turns around and runs for his fighter, but before he can get to it he sees.......
"...a herd of Pikachus,Bulbasaurs,and Charmanders.The Bulbasaurs then proceed to tie him up when a band of Sivar Renegades land and start chasing,capturing,and eating all the Pikachus except one that then shocks a Carmander who burns his pals who then burn the incapacitated(by the weight of their bellies from eating their Pika'meals)Kilrhathi who then turn into huge flame balls.While rolling around they crush the Charmanders and set a-blaze the Bulbasaurs,freeing Blair.After be-friending the Pikachu who had survived Blair and Pikachu escape to the remenants of the Epee,and escape barely able to reach escape velocity..."
when all of a sudden the Indiana Jones music starts blaring over his radio and he sees someone coming at him in a spacesuit. THe damaged epee can't build up enough speed to get away and....
"...Maniac slams into the front of Blair's cockpit saying'How ya' doing ace?' as they are sent hurtling towards the planet Blair ejects,Maniac still clinging to the cockpit and his oversized ego. When they crash into the planets surface Blair awakens from his coma yelling out 'PIKACHU!!!'frightening the candystrippers(candy+strippers)and,(gasp)Maniac,cured by the antigen made about 500 years ago to cure the zombie virus(Resident Evil:3).
Blair and Maniac then proceed to a local bar when..."
A little ten year old kid with a baseball cap appears. "Excuse me, sir, but have you seen my Pikachu?"
"Nope, sorry kid"
The kid immediatly starts babbling about his pokémon and the pokémon league, and how he's gonna be the greatest Pokémon trainer in the world.
Blair and Maniac are getting really, really annoyed, they look at eachother, grin and turn towards the kid. A muderous look in their eyes...
"Blair then reaches for his pistol and realizes that he had lost it in the hospital. The kid then says'Poke'ball,GOO...'right before he falls the ground with a smoldering hole in his back. Maniac had picked up a welding laser to vape the kid. The laser shot past Blair and hit a gas tank that then exploded sending Blair and Maniac flying toward a...."
... towards the mouth of a giant open monkey head...
"...when Blair yells'see ya!' to Maniac before he uses Maniac to push himself out of harms way, sending Maniac into the simian(sp?)mouth which promptly begins to chew him to death. Then the top of the head explodes as the result of a thermal grenade that Maniac had set off.Maniac then proceeded to follow Blair to the bar,not the slightest disgruntled about what had just happened. A GIANT BOOM then resonated through the air as a(an)....
short dorky guy named Guybrush Threepwood shoots himself out of a cannon, landing 5 feet in front of Blair and says.....
"...'Meessa Jar Jar Threepwood.' Tolwyn then lands a hovercraft close to the area and walks nonchalantly over to Threepwood, raises his boot which is a 11 1/2 and lands it atop of Threepwood's head, causing him to..."
"...Tolwyn places a shock-collar on Threepwood's neck and hauls him away in the hovercraft. Blair and Maniac are determined to save Threepwood and board a freighter piloted by Archie Bunker to chase Tolwyn. But before they can launch, Bill Shatner, still alive but horribly mangled, hops aboard, a crazy look in his eyes. 'You're the green chick! You're the Orion Animal Woman!' Shatner strips down and lunges towards Blair, hands a-gropin'..."
...when suddenly his intercom beeps, and Scotty's voice comes thru it saying that there's a problem in engineering. Shatner is teleported away, leaving Blair and Maniac alone...
"...Archie kicks the freighter into action, swooping down onto Tolwyn's tail and disabling it. They free Threepwood and are on their way to Reno 2, a casino world, when the Enterprise comes down upon them. Shatner, wearing an ill-fitting gold tunic, locks phasers on them, giving them an ulitmatum..."
Shatner says "release threepwood into my custody immediately, he is my long lost child and will be my new engineering officer, I'm tired of scotty. If you do not comply I will be forced to...."
... ressurrect LeChuck and teleport him into your ship, so you'll have to listen to all of his babbling...
"..Shatner is then cut short as Tolwyn tackles Shatner,hitting the airlock. Shatner is then sucked out into the void of space when Maniac depresses the button to the hatch. Blair tells Archie to move aside from the control panels. He then aims the frieghters' newly added plasma cannon at Shatner who is waving his arms wildly, trying to make his way back to the Enterprise.Suddenly Shatner is disintigrated, nude, disgusting appendages floating one direction or another. Scotty then appears on the viewscreen and starts to explain when...."
When Lechuck appears, draws his lightsaber, and starts doing a samurai routine to intimidate the heroes. All of a sudden Blair says....
... "Hey, your shoelaces are untied," at which point LeChuck...
... drops the lightsaber and goes tying his shoelaces. Then Blair breaks a bottle of grogg on LeChuck's head. LeChuck sez: "Grogg... hmmm... delicious."...
Blair quickly changes roles into LUKE SKYWALKER so he can deal with these menaces!!! He pulls out his lightsaber and.....
...Curses as he realizes the AA batteries need to be replaced. This is quite the wrong place and time to run out of juice. His mind racing, he thinks to himself...
... 'It figures Maniac used up all the batteries on this ship for his sex toys.' He looks around, desperately trying to find something to use as a weapon. He looks behind him as...
A massive Energizer bunny comes hurtling through space, destroying the engine section of their ship, and sending a boarding party of smaller killer energizer bunnies. All the passeners decide that they must....
"...use LeChuck as bait for the killer bunnies. Blair then throws LeChuck at the crazed bunnies. They easily destroy LeChuck, splatering the grogg everywhere, including their batteries. This caused them to malfunction,the end result is them exploding.Blair and the others then dashed to the escape pods as the ship began to give way to the awsome force of space. Blair then looks out window to see whats happening when Maniac pops up, a killer bunny attached to his neck.He then pulls it off with great ease and is just fooling around when the pod launches, catching on to Maniac's shirt. As they hurtle towards the planet,Maniac blue in the face as he is about to pop from the absence of pressure..."
Then a borg cube appears...
A large vogon ship appers, firings its 50thousand megawat cannons at the cube and generally looking ugly. The Cube tries to fight back, but the vogon ship destroys it, then every single one of the still somewhat living characters is transported onto the bridge of the vogon ship, where Ford Prefect is standing holding a towel and he says....
Blair grabs the thing in Ford's hands, it has writing on it... In big letters it reads DON'T PANIC!!!
Blair promptly begins to panic and....
Runs for the shuttle like a girl screeming "we're all going to die!"
Blair makes it to the escape shuttle, with Ford Prefect in tow, and the barly concious Maniac in hand. Blasting away from the ship as it hurtles furiously at the planet surface, impacting and causing the planet too implode in on itself. Prefect looks out the window of the shuttle and crys.
"Don't feel too bad Ford", Blair says, "We'll just stop off at Taushie station and pick up a few power converters a few spare parts and build you a new one."
Looking at Blair Ford says, "I don't care about the ship, I'm crying about all my limited edition Carrie Fisher Porno's. It took me twenty years to collect those."
Blair pulls out a couple of magazines from his flight suit and give's them to Ford, "Here you can have mine."
Then out of no where, out side the shuttle, an emense gravity well captures the little craft and pulls it's self toward it.
"Is it another pulsar?!?", Maniac exclaims.
Rushing to the scanner, Blair quickly works to find the cause of the gravity well, then looks at Maniac and Ford in horror.
"It's Delta Burk and what's worse is she's being pulled in by a massive Ramond Burr!!!", shouts Blair.
Being pulled in dangeriously close to the massive body's of lard the three of them...
scream really loudly when all of a sudden Spider-Man in a space suit comes swinging in to save them on is spider web. he tows the ship to safety and lands them on a planet called....
"Hughgrantio" by it's native inhabitants who are all Hugh Grant clones...
The Hugh Grant clones begin to converge on the four space travelers, chanting all the while..."Oscar, Oscar, We want an Oscar!!!"
Blair, and Maniac are both easily subdued as the Clones acting is worse than thier one. SpiderMan topples a few of the Hugh Grant's coming after him with a few witty remark about how bad "Distinguished Gentelman" was.
While Ford Prefect, hold off his tormentors with his rare Hustlers with Carrie Fisher in them...but the stand off doesn't last long and they are all overcome by crapy Brittish actors.
But just when all hope is lost, the mortal enemies of the Hugh Grant clones appear over the horizen...a band of busty, slutty, amizon, Hookers...They all charge at the Clones, while thier queen screams thier long feared battle cry....
"Ni! Ni! Ni! " as the Monty Python cast comes running out wearing nothing but....
"Ni Ni Ni", the crazed Hookers exclaim in reply. As they come charging down the hill side.
"Screw'im and show no mercy", thier warrior queen exclaims as she pins the first Clone to the ground and begins to have her way with him.
Through all this confusion Blair decideds that they all should run back too the shuttle and get as far from the planet as they can. Unfortunatly Ford and Maniac are intranced by the wild orgey that ensuse before them and rush in to participate. Only having time to save one, Blair grabs one of the amazon hookers and drags her with him. Spider Man (I have forgotten about him) warms up the ship just as Blair and the hooker named Kat gets onboard. I a blasting fury the shuttle lifts off and they three of them are flown off out of harms way as the collective orgasims of the orgey destroy the planet and everything on it (let leave Maniac dead, please).
As Spider Man is left at the helm. Blair and Kat take the only sleeping quaters left and make happy on the sheets, as Kat exclaims, "This ones for you Ace."
Blair and Kat start kissing passionatly when all of a sudden Maniac comes crashing trough the hull, trown there by the explosion. Luckely an emergeny forcefield protects our heroes from the horrors of vacuum.
"Hey, Ace, you weren't thinking about leaving without me, were you?
Then Spidey gets on the comm.
"Hey, guys, we've got something incoming..."
It's a bunch of giant ant-eaters... And they're trying to suck us up...
when out of nowhere, MAx Kruger and the entire Landreich fleet shows up, rescues the heroes and kills all of the ants! THen...
The Steltek drone teleports right before them and begins to shoot...
with all of the ants dead, the anteaters have no food and begin to go extinct, prompting Captain Planet to show up saying....
Hello... I'm Captain Planet (what an anti-climax...) He quickly saves the giant Ant-eaters by putting them on a big planet with alot of ants... unfourtunately it is also the home of the infamous ant-eater-eater... Captain planet then announces "The Power Is Yours..." and Blair feels a little tingle from a ring he never noticed he had before... It seems to have a picture of FIRE on it.
"Pfff, That stupid flying egg doesn't scare me!" Blair aims the ring at the Steltek ship and prepares to fire only to realise too late that the hull of the shuttle is in the way...
As the fireball blast's away the hull the shuttle immediatly decompresses and everyone is desperatly hanging on to something for dear life...luckly with some quick thinking Spider Man uses some of his webing to block the hole made from the blast. Unfortunatly, all the webbing does is keep them from being sucked out into the vacume of space, and they all wait to die from lack of oxygen...
But then, instead of dying from oxygen, Maniac show up and his head explodes, releasing so much hot air into the cabin of the ship that they all have enough air to patch the hole in the ship. Then, Spiderman set a course for the planet to save the giant anteaters from the anteater-eaters.....
Blair turns to Spidey:"Say, why are we going to rescue those damn anteaters anyway? They tried to kill us remember. I say let 'em die"
Spiderman agrees and steers the patched up shuttle towards a new destination: the pleasure planet Risa.
"Say, Spiderman, why did you rescue us, uh me, uh you know, anyway?"
"Oh, yeah...in all this hasle I totally forgot...", Spider Man says as he comes to the realization that he forgot what his true purpose of saving Blair was, "You got Carrie Fishers home phone? Normally I wouldn't ask, but the old lady hasn't been putting out like she used to and well my "webbing" is building up kinda fast...if you know what I mean..."
"Oh brother...", Blair staits in disgust as he reaches into his fight suit too pull out the number which reads, for a good time call Leia, signed Chewbacca. Blair gives the phone number over too Spider Man and returns to making with Kat.
The ship lands on Risa and the trio are met by an antorage of naked, oiled down, deeply tanned Risan women.
"I got a Big", Blair starts to say before Kat glares at him ominously...clearing his throat he continues,"I mean, I've got a bad, yeah that's it; that's what I ment to say, bad fealing about this." Blair turns his head back to Kat who nodes and smiles...
She says "Sorry blair" and winks at captain planet as the two of them head back into the ship. Captain Planet says...
"...INFIDEL!" As his body starts to contort in shapes that even the most flexible contortionist would shriek at. Kat then runs to Blair and hides her head in his shoulder. Captin Planet then finished his transformation to reveal that he is....
... really Barney, the annoying sappy dinosaur from PBS used to brainwash kids into being members of the Conspiracy. He starts singing "I love you, you love me, we're all part of the great Conspiracy" when...
something happens quite suddenly ....
...an eskimo opens a door into the room and jumps in, throwing a spear on Barney. As Braney is dying, the Teletubbies run to him...
...And finish him off, all the while screaming "Ek'rah skabak erg Thrak'Kilrah maks Rag'nith!"
...and now that Barney is finished, they turn to Blair and company and each one says bye, and then they say bye to themselves, and then they say bye to the sun, and then...
...thanks to their incredible ammount of annoyance and cuteness Marilyn Manson shows up holding what appears to be a very painful kitchen utencil...
all of a sudden, Manson's head explodes due to a bomb planted there by one of Thrakath's secret agents.then a crack squad of Kilrathi soldiers runs in and starts slaughtering Teletubbies....
while the Kilrathi squad and the Teletubbies keep each other occupied, Blair gets out of the ship...
He decides to escape by jumping out the window. The lack of pressure causes his head to explode... But luckily, as the goo goes everywhere....
... as the goo swirls around, It slowly reforms Blair's body. When Blair is reformed, he says: "Hey, don't you know how much that stings?"...
Then the MIB show up....
...And one by one, explode in a lemming-like fashion...
...then a giant arrow cursor clicks on one of the surviving MIB members and issues a "build starship" command...
In all the exitement nobody notices that Maniac's body, wich had been left in a corner, slowly turns into a silver liquid and starts forming a puddle...
When out of nowhere Arnold Schwartzenegger shows up wearing a leather jacket and carrying a rocket launcher. As Maniac's body takes form, Arnold raises his weapon when...
A Nephilem jumps on him from above and devours him
... and then a bunch of his fans jump in and start arguing that he's not dead...
As Arnold lies in the Stomach of a nephilum, motionless, A red flicker in his eye reactivates his body and blows a hole through the bug. then Him and his fans proceed to kick the $^%#() out of everyone standing in their way. Then out from the shadows leaps...
...A cute, tiny, pink-furred, fluffy bunny. It wiggles its nose in an exceedingly endearing fashion. Then it flicks its ears, in an even more endearing fashion.
...And then it proceeds to rapidly devour Arnold and his fans. Within seconds, all that is left of them are the soles of their shoes.
...then Megazord enters and proceeds on doing flashy moves at the bunny...
Then all of Monty Python come on and explain the dangers of the bunny rabbits...
Fortunately, Blair happens to have a Holy Grenade, which is actually a miniaturized version of the Temblor Bomb. He pulls the pin and throws it at the Fluffy Bunny.
Then he realises that he's still holding the grenade...
But he realises he forgot the complex counting instructions... drops it and runs...
...then Spiderman picks it up and *poof*. Then the Kilrathi pick it up and *poof*. Then...
...then Bobbin Threadbare pops in and "unmakes" the bunny, leaving a space rift in its place...
In the meantime nobody notices how Marilyn Manson's dna is being absorbed by the still forming Maniac...
...But fortunately, Maniac's system rejects the DNA, and forces it out of his body. Manson's remains then proceed to dissolve into nothingness, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
But due to a side effect of the attempted merge...Mainiac's body begins to twist and cunvuls. His head begins to spin around, and in a blinding flash of fire and brimstone. The form of Mainiac appears, altered by his trasformation. Wearing nothing but a lether boostie and womans underwear, his face covered in cheaply applied makeup and a bull whip in hand. Mainiac is no longer the man or thing he once was.
"I'm am now, Maniac Manson...ha ha ha ha ha.", Maniac states as he laughs,"Feel my wrath infidels..."
Then TC shows up and shoots Maniac just to get rid of this horrible, horrible plot twist...
But unfortunatly he misses...
Out of nowhere, a dorky looking man wearing cheap pirate clothing appears. He gives Maniac a plain snow cone covered with dog hair, pepper, and the remains of a lemon merangue.
Maniac, being the disgusting, Mansonated creature that he is at this particular stage, doesn't particularly worry about the appearance of the snow cone.
"Thanks, boyo!" He says, and swallows the cone in one bite. And then...
"...A confrontation ensues. Blair, Spidey, and all of good old Maverick's gang prepares to fight Maniac and his horde of ne'er do wells, with Marshall declaring they fight on land. With a snap of his fingers they appear on a large agrarian world and a Braveheart-esque battle follows. Blood sheds and many die, until black clouds form into the massive head-and-shoulders of the spirit of Chris Roberts. 'Cease this bickering!' he roars, his voice like thunder. 'Or thou shall face my wrath! Laudate vestrum deum!'. The combatants place down their arms and bow to Roberts, who lowers a devine finger and zaps all but Blair into the nether realms. Blair ascends into a higher plane of existence to rule the Universe with Roberts..."
...but, after spending 10.000 years ruling the universe,that gets really boring and decides to turn back time to the moment just before Chris Roberts' head appears, making sure Roberts' alarm clock is set to wake him an hour late. Blair then goes to Roberts' study and changes his appointment for that day from "Zapp People to nether realms and rule universe with Blair" to "invade TCS Victory with band of pirates"...
And a good ol' fashioned time paradox ensues...
But then the Guardian pops in thru a moongate and destroys the alarm clock. Roberts just turns himself on bed and mumbles "Quit being so clumsy mommy..."
And as time changes everything that happened before doesn't because Roberts never attacked... so his alarm was never destroyed.... so Roberts attacked.... So his alarm clock was destroyed.... so Roberts never attacked.... so his alarm clock wasn't destroyed....
But then the Guardian stops time. He picks up Chris Roberts, sticks his hand through a jump point, and opens it up on the other side. We see Chris Roberts squirming around in the palm of the hand.
"You have been a thorn in my side for far too long, Roberts." He thunders. "Your Wing Commander series took the users' attention away from Ultima. For that, I banish you to the world of DigitalAnvil!"
He drops Roberts, who plunges into the sea below.
At this point, time resumes, and...
Then something big explodes
From that explosion bursts a small lifepod, bearing one single occupant. That occupant, [...]
...is Chrispetodd Parkblairchal. A very confused mutant created by the explosion from Blair, Maniac and Spiderman. There is only one thought running through it's mind...
and that thought is..."Where can I find a copy of End run? for less than $50?" He then proceeds to the nearest Barnes and Noble and...
...fails to find a copy of the book. He orders it from Ebay, but when he opens the package he finds...
A half-eaten sandwich, made of dry bread and cold cuts. He eats it and then thinks: "Why does this remind me of a Moonstone?"
... Then Blair wakes up. Another nightmare. But this one was just weird. Clearly, the Nephilem messed something up while they were dredging up memories. Well, there's no way I'm going back to sleep, he decided. He got up, walked out of his quarters and headed for the recroom. It should be empty at this time... Maybe he could quietly finish off that bottle of Altairian Brandy that he'd swiped from Maestro's quarters.
But the recroom wasn't empty...
"Hobbes? What are you doing here? You know that Confed will kill you if they see you here! Hell, they might kill me for tractoring in you and Thrak!"
Hobbes looked surprised. "But I requested..."
"Never mind that. I want you on my wing..." Whoa. What's going on here? His memory was intruding again.
"Actually," Hobbes said, "I really only came to..."
