Wing Commander, the Churnah Tales

Plywood Fiend

Rear Admiral
Greetings to all, what follows is a collection of bizarre and foolish Wing Commander tales which shall hopefully amuse. If you don’t like seeing Wing Commander being made fun of then this story isn’t for you.

Wing Commander, the Churnah Tales.

By the Plywood Fiend

Chapter 1: Disruptive Influence

The Kilrathi Emperor’s reasons for fearing ‘contamination’ from humanity was not solely born out of blind prejudice as many have come to believe. It stems instead from one shattered window, a broken leg and eight eights worth of coins in property damage and medical bills.

This all started when an underground movement of terran slaves on Kilrah sought to resist Kilrathi oppression by setting up a bowling club. They were basically to unenthused to attempt any sort of escape, however they believed that by partaking in this game they could retain some of their humanity.

So for two months, a handful of slaves would meet in the dead of night and try and knock over crude pins constructed out of dried mud, with the closest thing to a ball which was available. (A human skull.)

All went well until one night when three Kilrathi guards stumbled upon the quasi-rebelling terrans. The guards initial thought was that the humans were desecrating the remains of a terran who had disgraced himself somehow. This they approved of, however duty required a thorough investigation of the terrans’ actions.

Under interrogation, the humans revealed the rules of the game and the motivations for their strange actions. The Kilrathi did not believe this bizarre explanation but decided that it didn’t really matter. The slaves were put to death and the matter was thought to be closed.

This was not the case however. The three guards who had stumbled upon the terrans had become fascinated with the game. They saw it as being symbolic of gatagak'vu. In their eyes, crushing the defenceless pins was, (if done by a warrior of Sivar), a testament to the strength of the Empire.

These guards fashioned stronger pins from stone, and also larger, stronger Kilrathi sized balls. Since this was a terran past time, all this had to be done in secret. A crude alley was carved into the basement of one of the guards, (Bak nar Volles). And it wasn’t long before the house was alive with the sound of clashing stone as the three warriors hurled small boulders at defenceless pins.

It wasn’t long before Bak’s mate became angered with the incessant racket in her house. She had initially agreed to permit this bizarre activity in the house, however after being woken one too many times in the night by sounds of falling pins, or snarls of anger as the ball flew into the gutter, she decreed that if they disturbed the quiet of the house again, she would broadcast throughout the house an ancient and greatly feared terran fictitious tale that Kilrah had received many years ago as the planetary transmission drifted out across the stars.

After initially watching this transmission, the Kilrathi decided that it was a folk legend depicting a hellish underworld of terran mythology, presided over by terrifying demons. There was no other explanation for the horrors depicted in the film which shook even the most hardened Kilrathi. (Or human for that matter.)

Some had suggested that all recordings of ‘The Brady Bunch’ transmission be destroyed; however they had proved to be of great help during interrogations; so they were preserved.

But I digress. The Kilrathi guards did not wish to bring this fate down upon themselves. So they destroyed the lane and reassembled it in an empty area, high in a mountainous region of Kilrah where only the mountain dwelling slime weasels dwelt.

By this time, Bak’s youngest cubling, Kavark, had developed something of an interest in the game, and eventually managed to pester his father in to allowing him to join in the pin slaughter.

Initially, despite a high wind, the game proceeded well. Three strikes were scored early on by the three experienced warriors, however, when it came to Kavark’s turn, he held on to the ball a second too long and ended up hurling it overhead.

The ball was instantly caught by an extremely heavy wind and was promptly hurled towards the capitol city which lay at not too great a distance from the mountain.

A passing Jalkehi fighter saw the ball whizzing past his cockpit, and the pilot soon noticed that it was heading in the direction of the Imperial palace. After signalling his comrades, a chase ensued.

A number of token shots taken by pilots attempting to stop this bizarre weapon from reaching the home of the Emperor missed and destroyed three buildings.

In the end however, they were powerless to stop the bowling ball from reaching the imperial palace. It crashed through a plate glass window which was one in a series of eight which depicted in pictures the story of Karga the Hero.

This ball then descended to the hard floor of the Imperial throne room where the Emperor was meeting with a number of Kilrathi nobles, it caused a small dent in the floor, then bounced and whacked Prince Thrakhath on the knee.

Though the window could easily be replaced, and the Prince’s leg healed nicely, the Emperor believed that this had been a cumbersome assassination attempt from another clan. After all, what other explanation would make any sense?

When the three Kilrathi guards and Kavark, motivated by a sense of duty and honour, confessed to the Emperor what had transpired.

The enraged, and somewhat perplexed Emperor, believed that this entire affair was the work of terran agents. The game he surmised was designed to weaken the mind of unwitting Kilrathi and implant in their heads the desire to assassinate him. Their cowardly plan had failed by the narrowest of margins, but he realised that the humans had to be dealt with quickly, otherwise more assassination attempts could follow.

To be continued


Rear Admiral
Finally something amusing in this universe....The Kilrathi do have a sense of humour


Super Carrot!
Woah! This is almost as great as "Manus", a story me and some other kids wrote in 7th grade. I stumbled across it again some months ago... Most hilarious sci-fi story ever!


A damn good peice of writing with an important message too: ‘The Brady Bunch’ transmission should indeed be destroyed.


Super Soaker Collector / Administrator
It's a good concept, but the grammar issues make wading through it kind of rough.


This made me smile alot hehe. I like stories where the smallest inncocent thing gets totally blown out of proportion.

I want more!



Vice Admiral
I did find the bit about 'The Brady Bunch' funny, but I think it's a well done piece of work. :)