After reading the WC4 parody "The Price of Entertainment", I have decided to try my hand at writing a parody of WC3 in the same spirit. I am soliciting suggestions for humorous elements and supporting characters.
Here is a sample scene for you:
Tolwyn pressed a button, and a hologram formed above the map table. Blair recognized the image as a schematic for a capital ship, but if the numbers displayed hanging in the air next to it were correct, it was over five kilometers long, big enough to hold a hundred Victories inside it. It was oddly shaped for a capital ship, as well. In fact, if Blair didn't know better, he would have said that it looked just like a gigantic--
"This is--" Blair gasped.
"Yes." Tolwyn beamed. "This is the Behemoth, the largest interplanetary water cannon ever conceived by man. Formerly cod-named the 'Super Soaker One Million', it is capable of firing a concentrated burst of over five hundred billion liters per second at a target from a range of up to ten million kilometers. THIS is the weapon with which we shall finally desroy the Kilrathi."
"I don't understand, Admiral," Eisen interrupted. "How the blazes is a giant water cannon supposed to defeat the Kilrathi?"
"Glad you asked, Captain," Tolwyn said. "You see, the planet Kilrah, homeworld of the Kilrathi Empire, is considerably farther from its sun than are most inhabited worlds. As a result, it recieves much less sunlight than other worlds do. The only reason that it is inhabitable at all is because the most of its heat comes not from sunlight, but from the planet's intense volcanic activity.
"Now, our plan is quite simple, really. Using the Behemoth as a gigantic fire extinguisher, we will fire a burst of liquid at Kilrah's largest, most active volcano, which fortutiously also happens to be the site upon which the current Emperor has chosen to build his summer palace--apparently he likes the natural hot springs that form in the area. The massive amount of liquid from the Behemoth will completely extinguish Kilrah's volcanic activity, plunging the planet into an ice age that will last for centuries. With their homeworld rendered uninhabitable, the Kilrathi will be completely demoralized.
"I am telling you this, gentlemen, because as head of Project Behemoth, I am detailing the Victory to escort and protect our new superweapon. I feel that I must tell you the truth, gentlemen: if things continue as they are now, the Kilrathi will walk upon the Earth within another year. This has forced us to rush ahead with Project Behemoth, and as a result, its defenses are...somewhat inadequate. Due to the immense power consumption of the main weapon, the shields are rather weak, and we didn't have the time to install laser turrets for point defense. It will be your duty to ensure the safety of the Behemoth as we make the attack on Kilrah, is that understood?"
"Certainly, Admiral," said Eisen.
"The Behemoth will be moving out tomorrow; all we need to do is load her up."
"But Admiral," Blair interrupted. "This system has no water-bearing planets. Where will we be getting the water from?"
"We're not filling her with water, Colonel. As for what we ARE filling her with, there is a Kilrathi supply convoy passing through a nearby system, and I am sending you out on a mission to capture it and its shipment of beer..."
***
To be continued?
Here is a sample scene for you:
Tolwyn pressed a button, and a hologram formed above the map table. Blair recognized the image as a schematic for a capital ship, but if the numbers displayed hanging in the air next to it were correct, it was over five kilometers long, big enough to hold a hundred Victories inside it. It was oddly shaped for a capital ship, as well. In fact, if Blair didn't know better, he would have said that it looked just like a gigantic--
"This is--" Blair gasped.
"Yes." Tolwyn beamed. "This is the Behemoth, the largest interplanetary water cannon ever conceived by man. Formerly cod-named the 'Super Soaker One Million', it is capable of firing a concentrated burst of over five hundred billion liters per second at a target from a range of up to ten million kilometers. THIS is the weapon with which we shall finally desroy the Kilrathi."
"I don't understand, Admiral," Eisen interrupted. "How the blazes is a giant water cannon supposed to defeat the Kilrathi?"
"Glad you asked, Captain," Tolwyn said. "You see, the planet Kilrah, homeworld of the Kilrathi Empire, is considerably farther from its sun than are most inhabited worlds. As a result, it recieves much less sunlight than other worlds do. The only reason that it is inhabitable at all is because the most of its heat comes not from sunlight, but from the planet's intense volcanic activity.
"Now, our plan is quite simple, really. Using the Behemoth as a gigantic fire extinguisher, we will fire a burst of liquid at Kilrah's largest, most active volcano, which fortutiously also happens to be the site upon which the current Emperor has chosen to build his summer palace--apparently he likes the natural hot springs that form in the area. The massive amount of liquid from the Behemoth will completely extinguish Kilrah's volcanic activity, plunging the planet into an ice age that will last for centuries. With their homeworld rendered uninhabitable, the Kilrathi will be completely demoralized.
"I am telling you this, gentlemen, because as head of Project Behemoth, I am detailing the Victory to escort and protect our new superweapon. I feel that I must tell you the truth, gentlemen: if things continue as they are now, the Kilrathi will walk upon the Earth within another year. This has forced us to rush ahead with Project Behemoth, and as a result, its defenses are...somewhat inadequate. Due to the immense power consumption of the main weapon, the shields are rather weak, and we didn't have the time to install laser turrets for point defense. It will be your duty to ensure the safety of the Behemoth as we make the attack on Kilrah, is that understood?"
"Certainly, Admiral," said Eisen.
"The Behemoth will be moving out tomorrow; all we need to do is load her up."
"But Admiral," Blair interrupted. "This system has no water-bearing planets. Where will we be getting the water from?"
"We're not filling her with water, Colonel. As for what we ARE filling her with, there is a Kilrathi supply convoy passing through a nearby system, and I am sending you out on a mission to capture it and its shipment of beer..."
***
To be continued?
that's humor gentleman