Wing Commander 3.1416: The Heartburn of the Tiger


After reading the WC4 parody "The Price of Entertainment", I have decided to try my hand at writing a parody of WC3 in the same spirit. I am soliciting suggestions for humorous elements and supporting characters.

Here is a sample scene for you:

Tolwyn pressed a button, and a hologram formed above the map table. Blair recognized the image as a schematic for a capital ship, but if the numbers displayed hanging in the air next to it were correct, it was over five kilometers long, big enough to hold a hundred Victories inside it. It was oddly shaped for a capital ship, as well. In fact, if Blair didn't know better, he would have said that it looked just like a gigantic--

"This is--" Blair gasped.

"Yes." Tolwyn beamed. "This is the Behemoth, the largest interplanetary water cannon ever conceived by man. Formerly cod-named the 'Super Soaker One Million', it is capable of firing a concentrated burst of over five hundred billion liters per second at a target from a range of up to ten million kilometers. THIS is the weapon with which we shall finally desroy the Kilrathi."

"I don't understand, Admiral," Eisen interrupted. "How the blazes is a giant water cannon supposed to defeat the Kilrathi?"

"Glad you asked, Captain," Tolwyn said. "You see, the planet Kilrah, homeworld of the Kilrathi Empire, is considerably farther from its sun than are most inhabited worlds. As a result, it recieves much less sunlight than other worlds do. The only reason that it is inhabitable at all is because the most of its heat comes not from sunlight, but from the planet's intense volcanic activity.

"Now, our plan is quite simple, really. Using the Behemoth as a gigantic fire extinguisher, we will fire a burst of liquid at Kilrah's largest, most active volcano, which fortutiously also happens to be the site upon which the current Emperor has chosen to build his summer palace--apparently he likes the natural hot springs that form in the area. The massive amount of liquid from the Behemoth will completely extinguish Kilrah's volcanic activity, plunging the planet into an ice age that will last for centuries. With their homeworld rendered uninhabitable, the Kilrathi will be completely demoralized.

"I am telling you this, gentlemen, because as head of Project Behemoth, I am detailing the Victory to escort and protect our new superweapon. I feel that I must tell you the truth, gentlemen: if things continue as they are now, the Kilrathi will walk upon the Earth within another year. This has forced us to rush ahead with Project Behemoth, and as a result, its defenses are...somewhat inadequate. Due to the immense power consumption of the main weapon, the shields are rather weak, and we didn't have the time to install laser turrets for point defense. It will be your duty to ensure the safety of the Behemoth as we make the attack on Kilrah, is that understood?"

"Certainly, Admiral," said Eisen.

"The Behemoth will be moving out tomorrow; all we need to do is load her up."

"But Admiral," Blair interrupted. "This system has no water-bearing planets. Where will we be getting the water from?"

"We're not filling her with water, Colonel. As for what we ARE filling her with, there is a Kilrathi supply convoy passing through a nearby system, and I am sending you out on a mission to capture it and its shipment of beer..."


To be continued?
How about Tolwyn saying something like he got the idea for the behemoth from pissing out a campfire or something like that? :)
I'm not a fan of fanfic (hmm...) but 4.123106 appealed to me and if you can do a similar job, I'd certainly consider reading it.
If it´s sick, its gonna be good. Co-writing with others could be fruitful.
Missing Hobbes scene where he tells about being programmed to betray Blair always seemed like B5 ripoff... Also best tactic was
to taunt enemies but that was over used in 4.123... so be careful not to just tell old jokes.
what kind of beer?, personally i'll prefer 1981 Chardonnay, but beer's fine............ now, didnt the shipyard give a free one year's supply of beer?
anyway, here's my 1st draft of Wing Commander Prophecy X-1243906215.3

The Captian strides into the Rec room, " The Plastic Cannon, is a Fire and Forget weapon. We fired it and it seems like Rachel forgot to install a spring under the button, and Finley says if we take the console apart , the weapon will backfire, literally. That means we'll be coverd with a 50m thick Glad Wrap that reflects energy weapons and bounces warheads. That means we have to do it the old way, mission by mission."*A groan from all the pilots"
A voice from the background says:"Why don't we just chuck the damn thing and get it over with?"The Captian replies, nonplussed, "We need a tree for our Christmas celebration, anyway, that big fat ugly thing just MIGHT make the bugs puke" be continued.............
ROFL! That WCP parody sounds like it would be quite funny as well.

As for what the beer is for, Viper was right on the money. Tolwyn is going to post a sign on the head saying 'Behemoth Fuel Supply'. Heh.
Please, if you're going to make a serious attempt at a parody, write it up, say, a chapter at a time and post it when ready, not just little bits and pieces. It's like they say about previews of (some) comedies - they only show the funniest bits and the rest of the movie is a bore.
I tried to edit a parody video for my younger brother which turned out "ok".

It needs more voice overs and just used a blanket as a green screen which made it difficult but here it is:

Wrecked Commander
"A Craig Pichach Production"?

I used to go to Bishop Carrol High School with a Craig Pichach. Well, when I used to live in Calgary.

Small world.
Right now I am soliciting ideas and suggestions for humorous elements to include in the story. Please post your ideas freely--no joke is too stupid if it gets a laugh.