Judgement day pt6

Stunner

Rear Admiral
So Billy heads to the male changing room to see if he can get to Jared before he leaves for the mission. So once he gets into the room he walks up behind Jared and clubs him and
knocks him unconscience. He then steals his name tag and helmet and heads out to his excalibur. He climbs in and just as he closes the cockpit he sees Jaden and the others
heading for theirs and waves to them and motions for them that he is ready to go. So they all hop in their fighters and power up and head out and form a pattern between the Borderworlds durango class and the Alexander.

Just as they are outside comm distance to the Nemesis the captain hails Jaden's wing and thanks each person individually until they come to who they think is Hump-dog,
but when he doesn’t answer his hail they become suspicious as does Jaden and the others. So since Shorty is closest to him she pulls up beside him and motions for him that the Borderworlds craft is hailing him and to answer him. Just then the pilot of the excalibur that was supposed to be Jared's. "Billy! What the hell are you doing here where in god's name is Jared?" asks Diane. "He's lying face down on the changing room floor, don’t
worry he will just wake up with a big headache." "Billy what do you think you are doing this is my big break? I didn’t tell you about this mission because it is also a reason for me to live and do a good job for confed better than normal because if this ship makes it through the Nemesis will need her best pilots when the attack comes and also a reason for you to stay alive cause once it was over we were going to get married on the Nemesis just like we planned." replies Jaden. "Well how was I supposed to know? I just am tring to protect you." replies Billy to Jaden.

Just then Smallfry afterburns towards and opens fire on Billy. "Some protection you cant even protect yourself. What if I was the enemy I can out of no where and shot you. So what is that all about? If you die then who will you protect moron, you can't protect anyone from the afterlife. Granted the group has had it's differences in recent times but still we at least still have some measure of respect for each other but damn it Billy you can’t be pulling shit like this." Megan tells him. "Yes I know but still I couldn’t let her do this by herself." answers Billy in a harsh tone. "What the hell are we? We are not a bunch of rookies here damn it!" Shouted Diane "True but still I am the one who should be watching her back not any of you!" "Billy stop it right now, you have got to get all of this matcho crap out of your head. Just because you were the second in command of Alpha squadron doesn’t mean that you are holy king shit man." Says Megan in a harsher tone.

Just then the Borderworlds ship opens fire across Direwolfs ship. "What the hell was that for you Borderworlds trash?" Asks Billy. "Because if you people would stop arguing and bitching at each other you would realize we are almost to the jump point. Then the Alexander fires closer to Direwolfs fighter "Ok why did you shoot me? "We all know that and the Confed-Borderworlds conflict is over so watch your mouth Billy and
just because you punched out a fellow wingman that is a sign of treason." Screamed the captain of the Alexander.

Just then a wing of old razor, arrow, and thunderbolt fighters with a old pirate frigate jump in and start attacking the durago class with all their firepower and ignoring the confed forces. "See we tried to tell you to be prepared for an attack but oh no you have to bicker about who is defending us well stop it talking about it and DO IT!" Screams the captain of the Borderworlds ship.
 
I think you want to use the phrase 'knocked him unconscious'. Excalibur has a capital E - it's a name.
I don't quite understand this:
form a pattern between the Borderworlds durango class and the Alexander.
What Durango (also a name, btw)?
More paragraphing in the dialogues. Making the hailing of Hump-Dog into a dialogue wouldn't hurt, for story-telling reasons. There's room for grammatical improvement.
 
Agreed. God knows I'm not perfect when it comes to my typing, but one of the most important things that I learnt when I started writing was just how crucial presentation is. No matter how good a story is, many people won't bother to read it if it's poorly set out. Reading should be enjoyable, not a chore.

Best, Raptor
 
I know that is an old update that I didnt fix yet apparently. Well I have named the Borderwolds carrier.

The holding pattern as in 2 along top side and 2 along bottom side.

The hailing of Hump-dog will be fixed.

I am posting a bit of my story at a time and then fixing it for a larger one on spacebattles.
 
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