An Irishman decides to go out on St.Patricks day to the local and get pissed but the doorman stops him, "sorry but i can't let you in, fancy dress only" disgruntled the man leaves to go back home but promtly gets bored and tries to sneak back into the pub. After slipping through the back entrance the barman spots him and throws him out, "you been told: fancy dress only!"
By now it's getting late and most shops are shut except for a local chemist and pays them a quick visit. Just before he gets back to the pub he open up his brand new box of condoms and puts one awkwardly over his nose. The barman notices and in a confused tone says, "Just what the hell are you supposed to be now then?" The irishman proudly grins and shrugs, "F*ck knows!"
An irishman calls up roadside support in the middle of a storm, "can you please send help, ive locked me keys in me car!" The girl on the phone replies after collecting his current location, "now is this an emergency?" By now the irishmans panicing, "yes it is! I've left the top down and the upholstery's gettin soaked!"
Differing from the irish jokes for just one moment...
What do you call an Iraqi tank battalion?
A train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
"Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
A guy goes outside one morning and finds he has a grizzly bear on the top of his roof. Obviously, he is not equipped to remove a grizzly bear, so he calls a Bear removal service (go with me on this one). The removal expert shows up with his truck, a pitbull and a 12 gauge shot gun and a net. He gives the homeowner the shotgun. The homeowner asks him,
"How are you going to get rid of the bear?"
"Well, you see that dog? He's a trained attack dog. I'm going up there and I'm going to knock that bear off your roof and as soon as he hits the ground the dog will go immediately for his gonads. He won't let go until I come down and throw the net over him and get him all subdued."
So the bear removal guy starts climbing the tree when the homeowner realizes he has the shotgun, "What is this shotgun for?"
"If the bear knocks me off the tree, shoot the dog!"
My aunts used to give me a horrible time at weddings they'd always come up and pinch my cheek and say, "You're next, you're next!" I finally got them to stop when I did the same thing to them at funerals...