Jokes.

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Maj.Striker

Swabbie
Banned
Hope you enjoyed your visit Antboy...have a nice trip, see you next fall.

Anyway, having read through all these jokes and finding them all varying degrees of lame, let me leave you with this one:

A captain a sailing vessel back in the day of wooden ships was out sailing his merchant ship and one day a pirate ship appears off the port bow. His crew are all frightened but the captain bellows out, "Battle stations, we're going to teach them a thing or two!" So they scramble and get ready. Right before the battle begins the captain tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" Confused, the first mate hastily obeys. The battle rages and after a fierce fight they win.

Next day, two pirate ships show up off the port bow. Naturally, the crew are concerned. Not perturbed, the captain bellows, "Battle Stations!" Again they scramble. Right before they engage, the captain tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." Again, he obeys. So they fight and fight and this one is tough but somehow if by miracle they win again. So after the battle the crew is sitting around just relaxing and the first mate asks the captain, "How come before each battle you ask for your red shirt?" The captain gives him a smile and says rather modestly, "Well that way if in the battle I'm wounded none of you will notice and lose heart but you'll keep on fighting." Of course the entire crew is just totally wowed by this.

Next day, an entire fleet of pirate ships appear!!! There must be at least 20 of them on the horizon. The captain yells to his first mate, "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!!!"
 

Death

gh0d (Administrator)
For his stunning display of total and complete stupidity above and beyond the call of duty, antboy is banned till... oh, about 5 minutes before the earth is barbequed by the sun as it expands into its red giant stage.
 

criticalmass

Vice Admiral
On Topic:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the bar man says:
"What do you think this is?! Some kind of joke?!"
 

Mjr. Whoopass

<FONT color=lightblue><B>I was going to say someth
Two guys are in a bar located at the top of a skyscraper. One guy says to the other: "Did you know that at this height, you can jump out the window and the wind will simply push you back inside?" The other man didn't believe him, so the first man said he'll prove it, but if he does, the other man has to jump too. They agree and the first guy jumps out the window and gently coasts back inside. "That's amazing! I'll have to try that!" says the second guy. He jumps out and plummets 50 stories to his death. The bartender then says to the first guy: "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
 

LeHah

212 Squadron - "The Old Man's Eyes And Ears"
Here's a bad joke.

Irishman goes to his doctor for his yearly physical when the doctor finds something amiss and has some tests run.

"Sir," says the doctor, "You have cancer and have six months to live."

"Oh, thats too bad," the man says, "I'll have to enjoy what time I have left!"

So the man tells his son and they both head down to the bar to drink to his last six months. Other people at the bar notice his dour look and ask him whats wrong.

"It seems I got AIDS somehow," he tells them. His son gives his dad a look, but his dad only pats his hand. The bar drinks to the man's last 6 months and father and son get up and leave, giving them all their thanks.

"Da," says the son, "You don't have AIDS, you have cancer!"

"Yes, son - but I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
 

Starkey

Avenging Rooster
Doctor: - I´m sorry, you have a very serious disease and your time is short.
Patient: - How much time do I have?
Doctor: - About 10...
Patient: - 10 months????
Doctor: - No, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6....
 

Fatcat

Swabbie
Banned
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

A salted... as in a salted peanut! Get it?!
Hitler: My dog got no nose.
Rally: How does it smell?
Hitler: Awful.

Way to go on the Killer Joke reference.
 

Lazy Panda

Spaceman
Why are ants not able to go to the church?

Because they're in-sects.

What does a beach have in common with trigonometry?

Tan Gents.
 

luminon

Spaceman
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead...

Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

Beccause he was dead too...

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.
 

AD

Finder of things, Doer of stuff
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?


He wiped his butt.
 

Mjr. Whoopass

<FONT color=lightblue><B>I was going to say someth
A guy robbed the Louvre of some of the most famous paintings, and left no trace of who he was. Amazingly a police officer happened upon him only a block away as he was trying to fill up his van with gas. The cops were confused: here this guy pulled the most amazing heist, and yet he was foolish enough to stop at the gas station right near the Louvre. When questioned about why he did that, the thief responded: "I needed Degas to make the Van Gogh".
 

Trelane

On my way to court in a suit and a tie
Why did the electron cross the potential energy barrier?

To place itself in a position parallel, yet perpendicular to its original starting location!
 

Marc

Commodore
Doctor comes to see his patient, looking all somber, and says:
-I've got bad news and worse news for you.
Patient ask:-what is it doc?
Doc- You have 48h to live.
Patient- Holy hell! So what's the worse news?
Doc- I should have told you this yesterday, but I forgot... sorry.
 

Ridgerunner

Vice Admiral
What do wives and hurricanes have in common?




They both blow into town all wet and wild, and take your house and car when they leave.:D
 
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