Jokes.

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Pulmonox

Commodore
A Navy captain is on the bow of his ship, staing over the ocean into the night, when he sees another light up ahead, heading straight for him. He sends a signal...
"Change your course 10 degrees to the left."
"Change your course 10 degrees to the right." was the reply.
The captain gets a little annoyed, and responds, "I'm a United States Navy Captain! Change your course sir!"
"I'm a Seaman, Second Class. Change YOUR course sir!"
Now quite angry, the Captain signals back, "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

..."I'm a lighthouse... your call."





Two men are out hunting when one suddenly drops dead. The buddy quickly calls up emergency service on his cell phone, and a dispatcher answers.
"911 emergency, what's the problem?"
"My buddy just dropped dead, and I don't know what to do. I need help!"
"Please sir, calm down. The first thing you should do is make sure that he's dead."
This comment is followed by silence, until the dispatcher hears a gunshot sound over the phone.
"Ok," the hunter says as he gets back on the line. "What now?"
 

cff

Kilk'dymga'qith laq Ik'vikvi
You mean the lighthouse one? AFAIK that indeed happened around the Falkland islands. But IIRC it wasn't one US ship, but a fleet.
 

Quarto

Unknown Enemy
Nah... it's an urban legend. Such a mistake is an utter impossibility - you're not given command of a large ship without learning basic navigation. Plus, lighthouse lights behave differently than ship lights.
 

Sycorax

Spaceman
Here's one:

During a tour of a Lifesaver's factory, a teacher and some of her students try samples of new Lifesaver flavors. The first student tries an apple flavored Lifesaver, and says "Mmm...this one tastes like apples." The second student tries a grape flavored Lifesaver, and says "Oh...this one tastes like a grape." However, a perplexed third student tries the new honey flavored Lifesaver, but can't identify it. The teacher gives honey flavored lifesavers to the other students to see if any of them can figure it out, but none of the students can. The teacher says, "I'll give you a hint, it's something your mommy and daddy might call each other." The third student promptly spits out the honey Lifesaver and screams "Quick, spit 'em out! They're assholes!"

(sorry about the language, it's part of the joke) :)
 

Zarathustra

Spaceman
First of all the electron joke was badass.

second and okay these are politcally incorrect, i don't care.

a) What do you call two gay irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
b) What is the difference between and irish wedding and an irish wake?
One less drunk.

YEah i went ethnic, but my last name is McKenney so who cares?
 

Preacher

Swabbie
Banned
Zarathustra said:
a) What do you call two gay irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
b) What is the difference between and irish wedding and an irish wake?
One less drunk.
You forgot "c":

c) What are the first four words in any newspaper summary of an Irish wedding?
"Among the injured were..."
 

Preacher

Swabbie
Banned
What's the difference between most lawyers and a school of carp?

-- One's a bunch of slimy, scum-sucking bottom feeders, and the other is a group of fish...

Whattaya call a busful of lawyers at the bottom of a lake?

-- A good start...
 

Iceman16

Vice Admiral
Heres one:
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head, the bartender asks," why's there a frog on your head?" the frog replies," I dunno, started out as a wart on my ass."

Here are some signs that you are burnt out:
You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"

Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go
back to sleep because you just don't care.

You have so much on your mind, you often forget how to think.



Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.

You sleep more at work than at home.

You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were
in jail right now.

Heres another, might not be politically correct, but who really cares:
Drink of Water


A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


Thats all the jokes I can think of right now

Iceman16
 
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