Jokes

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Lynx

Spaceman
I know a crapload of jokes about hell. What about this?

A guy dies and goes to hell. Upon arriving there, the devil asks him with torture he wants to be plagued with in eternity. The guy looks around and sees all kind of painful and ugly procedures going on, suddenly he sees a smoking man sitting in a bowl full of shit. He thinks, "He that doesn't look so bad after all" and tells the devil that's what he wants. Mr D. nods yes and right after that he walks to th man in the bowl and says, "Hey, your smoking break is over, its time to dive again..."
 

TopGun

Vampire Ace
Cool one Lynx

Some jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads.
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting
"SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

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There's an Irishman,a Scotsman and an Englishman stranded on a desert island. They are walking along the beach with no food or drink in sight, when they stumble across a golden lamp. The Englishman picks it up and gives it a rub. Suddenly, out comes a genie who says: "I will grant you all one wish each".

So the Englishman says: "I'm really missing my family so I would like to be back in England with the". So off he shoots back to England.

The Scotsman says: "yes, I'm really missing my family too so i would like to be back in Scotland with them".So off he shoots back to Scotland.

The Irishman then says: "well, I'm a bit lonely here all by myself so I wish the Englishman and the Scotsman were both back here with me!"

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TopGun

Vampire Ace
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Irishman are are a Fair Ground and they come to this slide, which says "Say a word while coming down and you'll land in whatever you say". So the Englishman uses the slide and says "Beer" and lands in some Beer. The Scotsman uses the slide and says "Whiskey" and lands in some Whiskey. The Irishman uses the slide and says "Weeeeeee"

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Q: What the Irishman working in the Sewage Plant get in Overtime?

A: Time and a Turd
 

Ripper

Peace Through Superior Firepower
What do you call the wall that keeps the lemmings from throwing themselves into the sea?


A hamster dam. :D
 

TC

SubCrid
Oddly, that made me smile.

As a result, I won't murder you for bringing back a two month old thread.
 

Ripper

Peace Through Superior Firepower
Thanks. But it's the JOKE thread. If you get a new joke, you put it in the joke thread.
 

TopGun

Vampire Ace
What do you call a Man with a Spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a Man without a Spade in his Head?

Douglas

What do you call a Man standing between two Houses?

Ally
 
Ok bit of an extended joke but i find it funny.

There was an american, an irishman and an australian and there all talking about how they please there women after they have sex with them.

the American says to the group, "after i finish making love to my woman, i cover her in hot melted chocalot then lick her clean, she floats 5 feet in the air in pleasure."

The Irish man says " thats nuthen, when i finish making love to my woman, i cover her in molacces and lick her clean, she floats 10 feet int eh air from pleasure"

The Australian not to be out done says " AH thats nuthen, after i finish maken love to my woman i pull out, walk over to her curtains wipe my nob all over it.......she hits the fucken ROOF"

hope u liked that i got it from a playboy magazine
 

overmortal

Bearded Person
A farmer needed a rooster to mate with his hens, so he went to the market. While there, he found a terribly expensive rooster named Kenny. Thinking that such an expensive rooster must be worth the money, he buys him and takes him home in a cage.

Upon arrival back at the farm, the farmer releases Kenny from his cage, but stops in the barnyard to talk to him first.

"Now, Kenny, I know you're a young and lively rooster, but I have a lot of hens, and I need you to pace yourself so that you don't get worn out and keel over. You were too expensive, so I need you to last a long time and do a good job."

To his surprise, Kenny gave an aknowledging 'cluck' and shot off towards the hen house without a second's hesitation. He burst in, nailed every hen in the place, and then started making his rounds again. The farmer cocked back his straw hat in surprise, and turned to go inside for his dinner. Just as he'd reached the door to his house, he hears the ducks in the duck pen having a fit. Squinting to see that far, he spots Kenny in the midst of the ducks, having his way with them. Chuckling, he goes inside and eats.

After supper, ther farmer takes his son down to the "watering hole" for some relaxing evening fishing. Arriving at the water, the farmer is somewhat displeased to see Kenny at the water, nailing the wild ducks and geese, still moving as quickly as he had when he first arrived. At sunset, the man walked home with his son, but shook his head in frustration to see Kenny out in the wheat field chasing down and nailing pheasants, quail, crows, and even an owl or two. He goes inside and goes to bed.

The next morning, the farmer awoke, quite concerned because his prize rooster hadn't crowed to wake him up. Going outside to investigate, he finds Kenny lying in the barnyard on a bare patch of dirt, on his back, and motionless. Vultures were circling overhead. Walking over to Kenny's body and kneeling, the farmer said sadly, "Oh, Kenny, now look what you've gone and done! I told you to pace yourself, but you've overdone it and died of exhaustion upon my yard."

To the farmer's shock, Kenny opened one eye to peek at him, gave a small nod in the direction of the vultures circling overhead, and said "Ssshh! They're getting closer!"

-Nick Blitz
 

overmortal

Bearded Person
Before I tell this one, a disclaimer: I am not racist. Nor do I condone racism. This joke is not intended to offend people, so please DON'T be. And, if you are offended, I apologize in advance, and, if the moderators see fit, will gladly agree to having the joke taken down. Thank you. Now, the joke!

A Mexican, a Russian, and a man from Union Grove, NC walk into a saloon. The Russian walks up to the bar, and in a very thick accent says to the bartender, "Give me your best bottle of vodka." The bartender produces the bottle, which the Russian quickly takes one long pull from, then throws the bottle into the air, draws his pistol, and shoots it, sending glass and vodka everywhere.

The bartender shrieks and asks, "Why'd you do that ?!"
The Russian looks at him and says "In Mother Russia, we have plenty of Vodka."

The Mexican orders "your best bottle of tequilla." He does the same thing: Take one long swig, throws it into the air, pulls a pistol, and shoots it. The bartender asks, "Why'd you do that?"
"In Mexico, we have plenty of tequilla."

The man from Union Grove saunters up to the bar, slaps the counter, and orders "Yer best bottle'uh moonshine." The bartender goes to the back room, and returns with a large jug with three 'X's printed on it. The man grabs the jug, downs the entire thing, throws the jug into the air, pulls a gun, and shoots the Mexican.

The bartender's eyes grow wide and he demands, "Why'd you do THAT ?!?" The man wipes his mouth, holsters his gun, and says "In Union Grove, we have plenty of Mexicans."
 

LeHah

212 Squadron - "The Old Man's Eyes And Ears"
Guy walks up to the minister after sermon.

Guy: Father, that sermon you gave was amazing! Truely amazing! Best goddamned sermon I've ever heard!

Priest: I'd appreciate it if you didn't swear in the house of God, my friend.

Guy: Your sermon was so good, I put $1,000 into the collection plate!

Priest: No shit?
 
yeah, overmortal i heard that joke befor a differnt version but i still laughed

jokes:

Q: how often do jumbo jets crash? A: just the once

Joke:peter was in bed with his best freinds wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he sudenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"what the hells wrong with you?" his partner asked

"I feel like a regular son of a bitch getting my best freinds pussy," the man moaned.

"well," she soothed, patting his back "You can stop worring, your not getting hbis pussy, his pussy is at least 5 inches deeper.

JOKE:A chicken and and egg were lying together in bed after sex. The chicken had a satified smile on his face and smoked a ciggarette, while the egg frowned, looking put out. The egg mutted to noone in peticular "Well, i guess we finally answered that question".

One final joke: A guy went into a laundromat to wash his cloaths, when he notices the clothes he is wearing are dirty. He takes a look around and seeing no one take thme off and washed them, naked.

A blond and a brunette come in and he says "SHIT" and runs to a shadowy corner acts like a statue and sticks the ciggirette in his mouth.

the brunette see him, walks over and sticks a 2$ cvoin in his arse pulls on his dick.....and the ciggirett comes flying out. The brunette yells to the blond " hey look a ciggarette machine!"

So the blond sticks a coin up his arse pulls on his dick.......nothing happens so she pulls and pulls and pulls, then she looks at the brunette and says " No its not, its a hand lotion machine"
 

overmortal

Bearded Person
So, a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear looks over to the rabbit and says

"Do you ever have crap stick to your fur?"
"No. Why?"

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
 

overmortal

Bearded Person
Is it just me, or do you and I interact a lot? You've responded to my posts (thus eliciting more posts in response to that) the most since I joined.

Nick Blitz
 
yes i assume we interact better because were soul mates and we need to meet and make love.............or prehaps its cause we go to startrek conventions in princess leia costumes?
 

overmortal

Bearded Person
Uhhh . . . no . . no, I can't say that I find either of those ideas to be true. I don't wear my Princess Leia costume outside of the house.

-Nick Blitz
 
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