Chapter II. Things to do....

Knight

Spaceman
Ok, so I got this off a little sooner than expected. I had it halfway done anyway, and just decided to finish it tonight. Here you go, right where Ch1 left off.

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Things to do....

Mulligan found the chip extremely easy to replace. The tech, who he found to be the chief tech, helped out alot, by finding him the right tools and knew right where all the parts where. He showed Knight, so now he could just go get his own parts when he needed them. He replaced the panel and strode down the short tube into the body of the craft. He then turned and hopped down the 4 steps to the deck. He turned and punched the recessed close button, and made sure the door closed sercurely before striding up the ramp to the lift.

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Fireball was standing on the bridge, discussing some matter or another with KnightWolf and the gunnery officer who went by Kalkrath. Knight strode up to the trio and said hello.

"Hey!"

"Well howdy Knight, get you ship fixed?"

"Yeah. Hi, I'm Colonel Jeremy Mulligan, but most call me Knight," Jeremy said, extending his hand towards KnightWolf and Kalkrath.

"Dmitri Klasenov. You can call me Kalkrath. Good to meet you. I run the big guns on this toy." Kalkrath said as he took Knight's extended hand.

KnightWolf was hesitant, as if he didn't know what to think of this guy, but went on with his greeting anyway,

"I'm KnightWolf. Welcome aboard. I'm CAG around here, but it seems that the cooks won't even listen to me." He said with a grin

Knight grinned back.

"Fireball, will you tell me how to get to my quarters? I'm going to do my reports in there, and then take a nap."

"Sure, let me get you set up." Fireball strode to his computer terminal near his chair. He entered his access codes, checking to make sure no one was looking over his shoulder, and waved for Mulligan to come closer. After he had his CI Number entered, and a password typed in, Fireball saved the information, and told him how to get to his room, and how to use the new style of locks.

"Thanks Capt'n."

"I've been instructed to treat you as my equal, even through the difference in rank, so if you need anything, I'm usually here, in my quarters, or on the deck. BTW, tell the lift to take you to the comms room, and get a PCU. I was going to get you one, and forgot to."

"Ok, I'll do that. I'm going to go get my reports done so I can sleep now. Nighty-Night."

Fireball chuckled as Knight walked to the lift, and walked back to fill KnightWolf and Kalkrath in with as much information as he could, without risking his neck. They'd know he was holding back, and they'd know why. Knight had a record, and it had gotten around somehow that he was coming aboard, with his own ship, built per Scorp's orders, from ideas in my head, Fireball thought. Oh well, we needed someone to do our long range scouting, and with that ship, Knight will be able to do it, and take out a fleet if the need arises, with those newly comissioned hellfire cannons. Those are some bad dudes, Fireball thought as he rejoined the conversation about, off all things, sports scores.

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"Communications." Knight told the lift's VOX reciever.

The lift took off, as fast as possible without making the riders sick, and he was at the comms deck in less than 10 seconds.

Knight stepped out, and looked around. There didn't seem to be anyone around. He walked further into the comms room, looking for the officer in charge, but no one was around. He heard the lift screeching to a stop again, and turned to see the comms chief step out.

"Hello. Need something?" The officer asked.

"Yeah, I'm supposed to come here and get setup with a PCU as per Fireball's orders."

"Ah, you're the new guy that scared the Hell out of me and the rest of the bridge crew. Nice trick, decloaking in front of the bridge like that."

"Yeah, I thought so." Jeremy said with a smirk.

"Well, step into my office, I need to get a finger print ID, because I got a memo from the RA that you're supposed to have one like he and Fireball have, with direct, encrypted channels to all the big shots. The finger print ID is to assure that noone else can use it, but since once a print is entered, they're pretty much junk to anyone else, be careful and don't lose it, these things get expensive. But they're handy as Hell."

Knight thought the guy talks too much, but he worked while he talked, and had the PCU ready to go, with his print ID entered, and showed him how to use it. The whole training course took all of 3 minutes.

"Thanks Chief."

"Anytime. Just make sure the next time you pull that little stunt on the bridge, I'm off duty, or I'll have your signal banned from the Nem's scanners," the old man chuckled.

"I'll just ask who I'm speaking to when I get clearence then," Knight replied as he stepped into the lift and turned around. The lift doors slid shut.

"Officer berths." Knight said.

The lift took off again, this time to the level with his quarters. It stopped and he stepped out, onto the officer's level. He strode past the rec room, wondering why the Alabama and the Eisen didn't have more than one rec room, and onto his assigned room. He pressed his finger to the scanner, and the door slid open.

He was taken aback by the size of the quarters, given the little amount of time he would be spending in them, and wondered if this is what he has, what the admiral's quarters looked like. He sat down at his desk, and fired up the built in computer, and opened the report program, and started typing his report.

============

Well, what'da ya think? Am I any good, or should I find a better hobby?
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HTML Assistant: WC Space Command
Administrator: UBW 5th Fleet
Member of the LMG and hating it (Disgruntled Man)
Striking a man down with your blade is clean and honorable. Shooting him in the back from the darkness of an alley and hurrying to blame it on another was something else altogether.--Darth Vader
 
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Whoa....another one who starts a story!
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Since there hasn't been much action yet I can only give you some comments on your writing style (yeah, right, me of all people around!
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)

Hmm...I find the way your character interacts with superior officers a bit strange. OK, he might know them from somewhere else or they may have heard of him but that doesn't allow him to treat them the way portrayed in your story (at least not when there are subordinates around).

Another thing (that might only be my opinion): I wouldn't refer to Navy officers by using their callsigns even though they might have been pilots in the past. This tends to confuse me a little.
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Oh, and one grammar remark, too:
IMO, you should perhaps rephrase some sentences. There are too many 'and'. Example: The last sentence of this chapter!
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For more detailed nitpicking you have to wait for Quarto or Matrix to stop by. But keep on writing! I like reading stuff!
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No one will hear your cry of death in the void of space


[This message has been edited by Nighthawk (edited March 20, 2000).]
 
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Thanks for the comments Nighthawk! One thing, about the way he treats his COs, etc. You'll find out more about that in later chapters, as I will explain more about his past TODs, see, you lose a lot of time between that first story posted here (First Duty) and this, as there is almost 2.5 years of hard war between them. Like I said, I'm going to explain the "special" relationship Scorpion and Knight have, and how Fireball was briefed about Knight. It'll just take time, because of school, etc.

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HTML Assistant: WC Space Command
Administrator: UBW 5th Fleet
Member of the LMG and hating it (Disgruntled Man)
Striking a man down with your blade is clean and honorable. Shooting him in the back from the darkness of an alley and hurrying to blame it on another was something else altogether.--Darth Vader
 
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And before I forget, referring to Fireball as, well, Fireball is just how he's referred to. He likes his navy job, but wants to keep that much fighter pilot in him. Also, alot of stuff about Scorpion and Fireball are lost, because this story intertwines with the WCSC Play By Mail, so that hurts me more than anything, because you lose details from that POV too.

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HTML Assistant: WC Space Command
Administrator: UBW 5th Fleet
Member of the LMG and hating it (Disgruntled Man)
Striking a man down with your blade is clean and honorable. Shooting him in the back from the darkness of an alley and hurrying to blame it on another was something else altogether.--Darth Vader
 
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<OL TYPE=1>
<LI>&gt;helped out alot,&lt; - A lot again.
<LI>&gt;After he had his CI Number entered, and a password typed in, Fireball saved the information, and told him how to get to his room, and how to use the new style of locks.&lt; - I have to agree with Nighthawk - too many ands.
<LI>&gt;I've been instructed to treat you as my equal, even through the difference in rank,&lt; - Actually a Captain in the Navy is the equivalent rank to Colonel in the Space Force.
<LI>&gt;off all things,&lt; - Of.
<LI>&gt;I need to get a finger print ID, because I got a memo from the RA&lt; - Perhaps since would be better than because.
<LI>&gt;noone else&lt; - No one.
<LI>&gt;be careful and don't lose it, these things get expensive. But they're handy as Hell.&lt; - It would probably be better to swap the comma and full-stop.
<LI>&gt;and wondered if this is what he has, what the admiral's quarters looked like.&lt; - I think that "what he has," is expendable.
<LI>&gt;He sat down at his desk, and fired up the built in computer, and opened the report program, and started typing his report.&lt; - Most definately too many ands there.
</OL>

Well, what'da ya think? Am I any good, or should I find a better hobby?
Since you're asking that kind of question, I would say "Yes, find a new hobby." Why? Because a hobby is supposed to be enjoyable - you don't have to be good at it. Sure your story isn't fantastic, but it is a comfortable read with solid ideas - a good base to build on. The only way you'll get better is by doing more and since writing is an art, the road to aesthetic perfection is long. So keep writing and take a look at the other stories posted to see other folks' styles.
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"Practice makes perfect."
 
#s 1, 2, 4, 5, 6; Spelling and Grammar errors.

#3, Yeah, but how much is my english teacher going to know about ranks in the 27th century?

#7, I agree.

#8, and wondered if this is what he has, what the admiral's quarters looked like.&lt; - I think that "what he has,"
is expendable.

Ok, so:

"...and wondered if this is, what the admiral's quarters looked like." He's not wondering if his is like the admiral's, he's wondering if his is that luxurious (sp?), what the RA's looks like.

Since you're asking that kind of question, I would say "Yes, find a new hobby." Why? Because a hobby is supposed to be enjoyable - you don't have to be good at it. Sure your story isn't fantastic, but it is a comfortable read with solid ideas - a good base to build on. The only way you'll get better is by doing more and since writing is an art, the road to aesthetic perfection is long. So keep writing and take a look at the other stories posted to see other folks' styles.

Thanks, I think. Actually Matrix, I've been writing for a long time, just never stories in the first person perspective. This jumps from the FPP once in a while, but only to further the storyline. I'm used to writing third person BS for class, etc. This is only the third installment in the first story I've ever wrote for fun.

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HTML Assistant: WC Space Command
Administrator: UBW 5th Fleet
Member of the LMG and hating it (Disgruntled Man)
Striking a man down with your blade is clean and honorable. Shooting him in the back from the darkness of an alley and hurrying to blame it on another was something else altogether.--Darth Vader
 
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3. Nope - but I'm not your English teacher.
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8. Yes, though the comma is expendable.

As to the hobby comment. I know you were joking, so don't mind my reply.
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Keep writing and enjoy it.
 
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Damn, I hate having to catch up with the comment writing. And after this, there's still Primarch's whole story, and one more chapter of Dralthi5's
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.

1. *The tech, who he found to be the chief tech* - either "who turned out to be", or "whom he found to be".
2. *sercurely before striding up the ramp to the lift* - securely.
3. *but went on with his greeting anyway,* - That full stop is pretending to be a comma!
4. *He said with a grin* - And this one is missing altogether... good grief, those full stops of yours are nasty.
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5. *off all things, sports scores* - Of all things.
6. *He was taken aback by the size of the quarters, given the little amount of time he would be spending in them, and wondered if this is what he has, what the admiral's quarters looked like.* - Sigh. You know what I'm gonna say
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. Too many commas.

Ok. That's about all there is to it. So far, a reasonably good read, though I can see that it's for an English assignment - it seems like you spend half the time explaining the WC universe
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. But hey, I remember, a long time ago, when I wrote a heavily modified story of Shadow's death as an English assignment (or was it an exam?) There was a lot of explaining in there, too.
 
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a long time ago, when I wrote a heavily modified story of Shadow's death as an English assignment (or was it an exam?) There was a lot of explaining in there, too.
LOL! A long time ago? Exam? double LOL!
 
'Bout time ye showed up, Matrix.
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...It must have been back in grade 10. And I wrote it in class; specifically, room 10.
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But I have no idea what the actual topic was... as you may know, I have a talent for twisting topics about in such a way that I end up writing what I want instead of what the teacher wants.
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