Boring Time in Gemini (WIP)

powell99

Aviation Junkie
TCS San Jacinto CV-41
Gemini Sector
2668


Colonel Allan Patterson stood on the bridge looking into the endless void. The 38 year old Wing Commander sat in the Chief of the Watch’s chair. Life as usual in Gemini was boring. The ship was on station in the Ragnarok System to “keep the peace” as her orders were. The Kilrathi had to be fools to attack here, he thought. The TCS San Jacinto was an old Ranger Class Carrier. The ship it’s self was an older model. So it looked even less space worthy. Allan gazed at his watch. His flight was to leave in 12 minutes. Sighing he wrenched himself out of his chair and walked over to the lift. Inside Allan met someone that he did not want to deal with, 2nd Lieutenant Jeremy Rodgers, a newbie that continuously begged for action and excitement. “Hey, Skipper when will we see some action. I am tired of busting Talons.”
“Not any time soon. Anyways are you on the next flight?”
“Yeah, I have position number five.”
“Great.” Allan sighed.
“So what fighter will we fly?”
“Same as always, the F-71”
“Cool….”
“Something on your mind?”
“Yeah, I am sort of scared to…fly a combat mission.”
“Ahh, stick close to me”
‘Shit I did not just say that.’ Allan thought I am going to have some newbie all over me. Crap.
 
hmm...well, it's certainly not bad. seems a bit, stilted i guess is the word that comes to mind. also, i'd italicize the thoughts, makes it easier to identify as being internal. maybe too try to be slightly more descriptive, make the descriptions more engaging, particularly of the san jacinto herself. kind of, bland. just some thoughts i had. take em or leave em. good starting point though for sure :)

Brad Mick
 
It would be helpful to see a longer portion of the story in order to better understand what is happening.
 
Not criticizing but you might want to rethink the first two sentences...first you say he is standing on the bridge, then you say he is sitting the chair. Make up your mind. :) But I agree, I'd need to see a great deal more to really give you any serious feedback.
 
That was my original opening. However, when I deleted the first Paragraph the first sentence remained.
 
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