Wing commander:the dreaded alliance. Chapter 1 (more of an intro)

A

Avenger

Spaceman
WING COMMANDER : THE DREADED ALLIANCE​

Major “Powerhouse” Quinley had just woken up from a nice long sleep, it was just another day beginning for him or so he thought, he thought it would just be the usual, get up, get dressed have a bite to eat and head out into deep space on the usual boring patrol missions. Quinley kicked his bed covers forward and with some hesitation sat up and revealed his eyes. At the bottom of the bed was his brown coloured uniform and trousers, he reached out for these and put his jacket over his t-shirt which was inscribed “TCS Sunshine”. Hanging from his jacket was the golden sun which was awarded for ejecting and surviving, although it looks good on the chest it is nowhere near as prestigious as the bronze silver or gold star, infact he felt he looked like a pathetic rookie only the major’s crest distinguishing him not so.

He stood up and looked around him, a clock high above him noted the date 2627.114. The dim lights shone above him, everybody was awake at this moment in time and all had not risen out of bed yet, he was in command of a small squadron of Lieutenants fresh out of the academy the squadron was named “The Bearing Tigers”. He was the only person ranked higher than a Lieutenant in his berth. He took his comb out of his pocket and he brushed his blonde hair making a side-parting.

Quinley was a tall man with a height around 6 feet 2 inches with an extremely straight posture. He turned around “Everybody up now!” He yelled.
Then, almost instantly everybody rose up and positioned their jackets on themselves and started doing their gold buttons up. Everybody looked very miserable and nobody was to blame them, the people were rotting in idleness, all the men wanted was a good fight. Confed was going through a very rough patch, food was running short and there were no transports around to give them the food they desperately needed, the main thing was, could the men on TCS Sunshine survive…?

Avenger (copright) (14 years old)​
 
Is your story going anywhere?

Maybe you should lose the 'out of food' part... Food should be quite abundant by the 27th century with dozens of colonised planets.
 
i suppose i could, well i'm going to release them in chapeters and then post all the chapters to one big story combined later
 
You definitely might want to consider breaking up some of your sentences into smaller portions...your first sentence would be a great place to start.
 
I see potential in your plot. The idea of an undermotivated crew on a ill-supplied carrier can lead to a couple of nice scenes - from loyalty to mutiny, team spirit and egotism, anorexia and bulimia and back. Erm... got carried away, scratch the last one.

What the story lacks at this moment is
1. The reason for the supply situation
2. The reason why this situation can't be changed
3. The greater conflict

I gues you've already plotted out 1 & 2, which might result in 3 - but doesn't need to. Just an "Engine and Comms damage in frontier space"-plot will quickly lose you the interest of readers, it needs to be a little more complex.

The main character is a bit bland at the moment - maybe give the scene some more time before the wakeup call; and let him think about himself and what brought him there, or why he's called Powerhouse. Just stating that he's a major and only has an Eject&Survive medal makes jim into something of a whimp - which may be your intention, but then you should put some more detail in it. It's the first scene that should tell your reader what he should feel about your character.

About the style: Keep going, revise later. Sure, there are typos and grammar that needs a second look, but writing is about creating images in your reader's heads. The more you can get them into focus, the better - and that's what you do with the technicalities of language. But get the images into your storytelling first, then adjust the lenses.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top