TCP: Chapter One News Brief
- Thread starter Sylvester
- Start date
Well, I assume there will be more, but let me comment on what you have so far.
Maybe it's just the news brief part, but I thought your story was the WC2-era.
With only 12 fighters to defend against an enemy force of at least 130, the defenses were overwhelmed and the fighters, as well as the Tallahassee class cruiser TCS Mobile (CA-36) and the TCS Murphy (DD-1649), an Exeter class destroyer.
The above sentence is a little questionable. The second clause has no verb. The subjects are kind of just left hanging there.
Other than that, though, it's a promising start. Now go read the first chapter of "Justified Cause!"
Maybe it's just the news brief part, but I thought your story was the WC2-era.
With only 12 fighters to defend against an enemy force of at least 130, the defenses were overwhelmed and the fighters, as well as the Tallahassee class cruiser TCS Mobile (CA-36) and the TCS Murphy (DD-1649), an Exeter class destroyer.
The above sentence is a little questionable. The second clause has no verb. The subjects are kind of just left hanging there.
Other than that, though, it's a promising start. Now go read the first chapter of "Justified Cause!"
I was almost tempted to point out that Joshua Bondarevsky was a Marine, but then I remembered this is an alternate history thing, so that's fine, I suppose. Although I'm still not entirely sure where your story is going. Also, it's a bad idea to randomly switch tenses from past to present and back, etc. Stick with the past tense, I suggest. Otherwise, keep at it.
Oh, and leave some comments, man, if you're reading my story. I love to hear what people have to say!
Oh, and leave some comments, man, if you're reading my story. I love to hear what people have to say!
Bandit LOAF
Long Live the Confederation!
"2 Ma’jaka class carriers along a Fralthra class cruiser. "
That's a weird bit - I'm assuming you want "along with"... but even then, it seems very informal for a news post.
It also seems to suffer from a bit of "fanboy overtech"ing... a casual news report won't mention the class and designation of every ship involved in a battle (the USS Cole is a destroyer... but very few articles, re: the attack, bother to identify what *class* of destroyer she is.). Nor will a narrative. I'd also work out the capitalization - I don't think you need to capitalize 'Class' when describing a ship type.
That's a weird bit - I'm assuming you want "along with"... but even then, it seems very informal for a news post.
It also seems to suffer from a bit of "fanboy overtech"ing... a casual news report won't mention the class and designation of every ship involved in a battle (the USS Cole is a destroyer... but very few articles, re: the attack, bother to identify what *class* of destroyer she is.). Nor will a narrative. I'd also work out the capitalization - I don't think you need to capitalize 'Class' when describing a ship type.