Justified Cause, Part Four...

Dralthi5

Spaceman
Okay, here it is. It was originally going to be much longer, but I had to basically split it in two, to keep up with the 8-12 page length I've got going here. Trying to stay simple... Anyway, here it is, and also an edited Part Three (Mystery Muppet pointed out my many errors!).
 

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Mekt-Hakkikt

Mpanty's bane
Sorry, haven't checked for a while.

As with the other parts, I like it, well done. :)

Only a few remarks:

"The next day, the carrier hit the jump point, and arrived at Vega HQ, a watery world that the Kilrathi had once called Kharak Tar"

Why should the Kilrathi stop calling it Kharak Tar? :p

Why did Casey and his wingman land at all on the Pelican transport? They had no reason and I think it's probably more wise to stay in space with his wing lest trouble appears.

The Emancipator transported quite some stuff: PTC parts, skipper missiles, bioweapons - aren't you exaggerating a bit? Or is there some reason behind it that will be unveiled in the near future ;)

Keep it up!
 

Dralthi5

Spaceman
The only reason I have Casey land on the Pelican is so that I can introduce the Marines. Eh, it's no stranger than Blair and Angel boarding the concom with the Marines.

And how am I "exaggerating?" It's not like this really happened and I'm embellishing the story.
 

Mekt-Hakkikt

Mpanty's bane
Meh, I found it highly strange having Blair and Angel board in the WCM. :)

You could also introduce them by having Casey listen to their radio, just like it is done in the games. For additional infos you could have Casey remember the persons in his mind when he listens to them, having met them when he arrived on the Matterhorn. But well, as you like it.

What I meant with "exaggerating" is that this carrier (which is supposed to be old, probably not the best the TLF can offer) has a lot of very high-tech weaponry onboard. PTC parts and bioweapons should be extremely difficult to get in the WCU, and Skipper missiles undoubtley too. Having the TLF acquired any one of those technologies already raises an eyebrow but having all those things. And all this highly valuable stuff on a lonely carrier in hostile space. Shouldn't it be on the top secret HQ, the big prize at the end of the story? ;)

Since English isn't my native language I'm very reluctant to showing you (apparent) spelling errors but I'm wonderin about this:

"The canisters found on the Emancipator, however, were likely made independtly"

Shouldn't it be "independently" or is "independtly" just a word I don't know?
 

Dralthi5

Spaceman
Heh, heh. Yeah, I found Blair and Angel going with the Marines in the Movie strange, too. But I also remember Blair did something similar in the WC4 novel. Let's just assume Casey's picked up a bad habit or two from ol' Maverick. :) And the Emancipator thing will all play out by at least the next chapter. Stay tuned, and you'll see.

Oh, and you're right. It should be "independently." I don't know why I missed that...
 

Mekt-Hakkikt

Mpanty's bane
Well ok then, I'll wait for part 5. :) (Though it might be as with this time that I show up late - I visit every now and then)
 

Bandit LOAF

Long Live the Confederation!
(I haven't read these chapters yet, but I will soon. Just wanted to comment on Angel and Blair... Angel went in with the marines because she'd trained onboard a captured Dorkir at the Academy. Blair went in against orders - he was supposed to man a turret on the Diligent.)
 

Bandit LOAF

Long Live the Confederation!
I sort of figured you would - the movie doesn't really make it very clear that Angel was there (Mr. Telep wasn't sure she be visible as one of the marines after the cuts, and added in the explanation 'just in case').
 

Viper61

Spaceman
Been awhile since I've had the time to read anything for fun, but you know I have to throw my 2 cents into the ring ;).

I like the way the story is progressing, but this is the most problematic chapter in a while.

So the ex-TCS Bradshaw, a powerful Lexington-class carrier is allowed to patrol the area without knowing what faction it fights for? It would probably be routine to check with the local militia official to see what resources they had in the area (not to mention if they could even afford a monster Lexington carrier). Add in the fact that Confed would know who they sold a Lexington carrier to, and all this makes this section questionable in my opinion.

I agree having Casey go down with the Marines seems to overstep his bounds a bit. Plus patrols usually are only 2 or 3 craft, so your gonna leave this potentially hostile situation up to 1 Piranha or even unguarded while he goes and fiddles with the Marines? You're already leaving Casey's perspective to go with the Marines, so I really can't think of a good reason to put him there.

Just a little note, Big Duke Greco didn't seem the type to bother himself with writing too many 'papers' :)

Plasma weapons . . . State-of-the-art or top-of-the-line, pick a modifier <G>

I'd be sure as a Marine to try to extract the exact number of potentially hostile crew onboard a ship from someone before I sent people to search it (even if I knew he was lying).

What were Burki's cohorts doing while he was shot down? I can't see a crew who knew they were about to be tried for murder if the Marines searched the ship not doing anything. Maybe mention how the gunning down of Burki sobered them up a little?

P-01's are scaled down versions of capship guns? Damn. There are plasma guns on fighters you could refer to :)

Zero died?

It doesn't make sense that on a ship with 4 fighter wings that all of them were on stand-down at night. There probably has to be a constant watch out, so I'm guessing that 1 wing pulls a designated 'night watch'. It just seems funny that everyone on a carrier looking for a fight goes to sleep at night and gets ruffled out of bed like they expect everything to happen during the 'daytime' rotation on the ship <G>

Why would Bearcats not be produced because of the BL debacle? Plus, how can you keep a technology running this long (20+ years now) without replacement parts, which wouldn't be around if it wasn't mass produced?

Normal Excalibur models weren't equipped with cloaks, IIRC. It wouldn't be a standard issue everyone looked for.

Why did the Matterhorn need Cairo home defense to assist, it has 4 wings of fighters!

Okay, so noone has the expertise to develop the DRT again and Confed Intel has accounted for all the canisters produced. So where did these bioconvergence canisters come from and why would the TLF have them?

Bank robbers in the 27th century? We don't have many of those anymore right now in the 21st :)

I have to agree that all these 'goodies' in a very large asset (the Lexington class carrier) that the TLF seem to have just thrown away sounds a bit like a stretch. First of all, this is only a 30 year old carrier design at the time of this writing, a heavy carrier only second place to the Vesuvius. Not something a faction would just throw away. Then you have all the cargo, Skippers, plasma guns, etc. that is wasted. Sounds as though this TLF is just throwing away money and assets, not something a small, mysterious organization would do.

Also on a side note, the PTC made up the entire keel of a 700m vessel and 'parts' are being carried on 700m long carrier that has to have room for crew and fighters? Plus only 6 confed-dreds were manufactured if memory serves me, not really what you'd call a high demand for replacement PTC parts.

I called this chapter 'the most problematic' because while the other errors in previous chapters were just quick fixes, if you decide to correct anything I pointed out, they might involve major rewrites. Sorry.

Other than that, the story as a whole is progressing great in my opinion. As always I look forward to your next chapter.

C-ya
 

Dralthi5

Spaceman
Eh, I don't think it's as probelmatic as that. Wait until the next chapter, folks. Things will make a little more sense. Now to specifics...

RE: The Bradshaw. If that's a problem, I can easily change this into a Ranger, or something equally crappy.

RE: Casey on the Pelican. Since everyone seems to dislike this, it's gone. Normally, I would say, "Eat me, I'll do what I want!" but I'm writing this for you guys, and for fun. :)

RE: Zero died? Not officially, but I mentioned in Chapter One that he was shot down in Gemini.

RE: Bearcats. Point taken.

Well, that's it. Expect the next chapter next week maybe, and an edited Ch. 4.
 
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