Well it's been a while, but here are my comments - finally.
<LI>>XIII. Homeward.< - Odd sort of title I must say since I'm quite sure Weaver knows just where home is...yet.
<LI>>With friends like this, he would always be safe!< - Only his friends can't land for him.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>But nothing else looked – or felt – broken either. The only pain he felt was in his shoulders, and they didn’t seem to be broken either.< - I'd change the second "broken either" to "fine" or "intact"
<LI>>“But you might consider getting a shower first… you stink.”< - Hmm. I'd question whether a patient would be allowed to lie in sickbay without being cleaned up a bit.
<LI>>It was so strange… to feel safe.< - Yeah, doesn't it though?
<LI>* * *
<LI>>as long as it was food, he’d eat it.< - Food
or just plain edible
<LI>>I know this is the mess hall, Weaver, but we only bite food< - Even if it does bite back.
<LI>>contribute more to the war effort… and my friends… than just testing Epees.< - Perhaps the second elipsis could be shortened to a comma.
<LI>>He’s a Colonel. But why is he in the Confed Space Forces?< - And more importantly, why isn't he eating in the Officers' mess?
<LI>>“Oh… uh, this is Colonel Ralgha nar Hhallas, callsign Hobbes.” Captain Burkheimer told him, suddenly realising that he forgot about making the introductions. “Colonel.” He added, looking respectfully at the Kilrathi. “This is Weaver.”< - My dear Captain Burkheimer, where are your manners? Are you not aware it is proper protocol to introduce the younger person to the older first, and not vice versa?
<LI>>“These young cubs has just been telling me< - Has
? I dunno how well Colonel Ralgha speaks English since I've never met him myself.
<LI>>bearing down on the jump point a several times, but…”< - Skip the "a". Looks like a remnant of when several
were a few
<LI>* * *
<LI>>“I’d already decided that I would do so even before I met them.”< - Since he has met Talon and Rhe'dhi, perhaps it would be better to say "before I heard."
<LI>>You know, I’ve been a pilot for more than twenty years… I’ve seen my fair share of casualties.< - That elipsis could be a fullstop.
<LI>>Did you Rhe’dhi tell you what Hharak’s last words were?< - That first you
<LI>>“Aye, he did.” Paladin told him.< - That first fullstop should probably be a comma.
<LI>>Except perhaps the messy pile of papers on the desk.< - Did he really have those? Apparently a clean desk is a sign of authority.
<LI>>But,” he added, grinning smugly. “He just solved an enormous problem for me.< - The first fullstop should probably be a comma since the speech continues on.
<LI>>But had I sent any reinforcements there,< - I'd lose the but
<LI>>But the next time I decide to persuade a test pilot to transfer into combat… remind me to keep you away from him.< - Another elipsis that could be a comma.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>The two of them were standing a few metres closer to Hharak’s symbolic remains than the other officers that were arrayed in two rows on either side of the coffin.< - Slightly unwieldly sentence. Consider breaking it up.
<LI>* * *
<LI>>Moments later, the shuttle burst out of the hangar, tearing away from the runway.< - For a maybe skip the away
<LI>>somewhere on the other end of the universe.< - I believe that's "somewhere at
<LI>>Though her long, black hair was now tangled and matted with sweat, and though her delicate face bore only that bleak look of someone who remains conscious through sheer willpower… there was still something familiar about her.< - I'd lose the second though
Never a dull moment. It doesn't really feel like a finish
, but a nice setup for book two...and a change of scenery.