A short WC3 parody Part 1

Torpedonut

Spaceman
I have been thinking about Wing Commander 3, and I thought of a shortened version, with a lot of stuff altered.

Here it is:

Wing Commander 3: The Heart of the Booze Bottle
(Couple of things here first. The Kilrathi are trying to turn the highly alchoholic Terran Confederation into teatotallers, or into a race that drinks a lot less than it does at the present. The Kilrathi love tea, and try to force everyone they meet to drink it, so the Kilrathi are referred to as 'Teacats')
Scene 1
Colonel Christopher Blair clambered out of the cockpit of the Thunderbolt VII he had been flying, and surveyed the flight deck of the T.C.S. Brewery. After a brief discussion with Captain Eisen, he headed to the lounge.

He ran into his old friend, Colonel Ralgha 'Hobbes' nar Hhllas drinking tea, and reading a book. Blair walked over to him, but could not get him to look up from his book

"Aw man, that Teacat is in his boring mode again! I think I'll just ignore him for a little bit." Blair thought, before being shoved fiercely against the wall by Cobra. (Sorry guys, her name is too long to type.)
"How dare you try and talk to that Teacat! Don't you know what the Kilrathi will do if they win this war? They'll only let us drink one beer a day!" Cobra shouted, trying to attack Hobbes by using Blair as a battering ram. Hobbes dodged Battering-blair, uncapped his tea thermos, and started throwing the contents of it in Cobra's direction.
Much later, Cobra, and Blair emerged from the medical ward with bandages over the second degree burns they got from the boiling hot tea.
"I'm gonna go get another drink." Blair announced.
Blair met his other wingmen there, but didn't remember their names since he was totally drunk when he was introduced to them.

Scene 2
The Brewery had been in several major battles with the Kilrathi, and was currently setting course to reach Admiral Tolwyn's fleet.

Tolwyn landed aboard the Brewery, and explained his plans for the latest super weapon.

"The Beerhemoth is the first of the series of huge beer tankers that will follow fleets into battle. We will naturally fight fiercely to protect our beer, which should result in the Kilrathi's defeat. If the prototype works, then the war should be over in a matter of months." Tolwyn said, using an (empty) two liter bottle of beer as a pointer. Tolwyn then went into speech mode.
"The Beerhemoth is also a symbol of the Terran Confederation, it signifies our ability to be totally drunk in any situation, it is an momument to the finest aspect of our great government!" he said in dramatic tone, as fireworks went off behind him, and music began playing.
Everyone made sounds of delight and approval at the speech, until the smoke from the fireworks got into their mouthes and nostrils, causing widespread hacking and coughing. Also, the brass section of the band failed because they poured beer down their instruments.
"Never mind that! PARTY!!!"
Tolwyn shouted.

Scene 3
A very drunk Colonel Blair, and an even drunker Major Todd 'Maniac' Marshall staggered down the halls of the Brewery.

"Hey Ace (hiccup), why is Hobbes around, he's a Teacat, isn't he?" Maniac slurred.
"Yeah, but he abandoned everything to defend a Terran liquor store on Ghorah Kar (I hope the spelling on that isn't wrong), so he's okay." Blair replied.
"Uggh, Ace, try and keep me from falling while I puke." Maniac said.
Blair managed to keep Maniac from falling over while Maniac did tossed his cookies.
"Awww Ace, you're my only buddy on this ship. You're a great guy." Maniac slurred, as he and Blair continued to stagger down the hall.
"Maniac, These are my quarters. I'll call someone to continue helping you to the barracks." Blair said, suddenly stopping in front of his quarters (Amazing he managed to find them while stoned, huh?)
Maniac fell over and passed out.
"Never mind." Blair said, managing to step into his quarters before also passing out.
Meanwhile, Hobbes was carrying Cobra down to the barracks. Hobbes hadn't been drinking, so their progress was unimpeded. Cobra, on the other hand had. Hobbes managed to put up with her running her fingers through his fur, and calling him a "cute tabby cat", all the way to the barracks. He laid her down on one of the beds, and walked out, to his quarters, muttering things about the 'idiotic bunch of nearly incurable drunks that he had to put up with.

Colonel Ralgha Nar Hhllas' Journal:
It appears that I am the only one who is sober enough to even keep a journal. I have returned from another one of those unpleasant drinking binges. I ended carrying Cobra from the binge, and that was unpleasant, as in her intoxicated state, she started petting me, and refering to me as a 'cute tabby cat', something she would never do while sober. All the other pilots except Major Marshall, the Colonel, and Cobra, and myself, have left the Brewery. Their reason for leaving was that the Colonel could not remember their names. Sometimes I feel that these Terrans will drive me insane, and I wish that I had never defected. End of Journal Entry.

Scene 4

Prince Thrakhath nar Kiranka sat in his favorite chair, drinking tea from a huge tea cup, and reading a book.

Melek walked in.

"Ah, Melek old boy, how goes the war these days?" Thrakhath said. (All the Kilrathi have English accents, just so ya know.)
"Not too badly old sport, your Grandfather wants to the come to the royal palace to go pheasant hunting, and have a spot of tea." Melek replied.
An hour later, Thrakhath hopped into a hovercar dressed in green tweed clothing. Melek walked up and handed him his shotgun.
"Good hunting milord." Melek said.
Thrakhath nodded, and floored the gas pedal, driving off the the Palace.
(Okay, that's as much as I have written. What's your opinion, should I write post the second part, or not? (Your opinion may not be considered anyway, LOL))






:)
 
Torpedonut, this is great!!! :D There's a pinch of Monty Pythons in your text, I think you should definitely continue writing! :)
 
cheers

Great job! :)

Among everything, that "Beerhemoth" was very funny. I'll wait for part 2!
 
Originally posted by Torpedonut
Cobra. (Sorry guys, her name is too long to type.)
But you can type the long apology sentence instead? ;)

Originally posted by Torpedonut
...Ghorah Kar (I hope the spelling on that isn't wrong)
Ghorah Khar.

I'm not a drinker, so I can't relate too much to all the alcohol references, but 'tis a reasonable effort nonetheless.
 
LOL! This was hilarious! Hobbes makes a good "designated driver" for when everybody else is passed out. Remember: friends don't let friends drink and fly!
 
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